


Worth the wait

by sparkinmybonfireheart



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, CrissColferBigBang, M/M, Past Abuse, crisscolfer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-10-30
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:22:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinmybonfireheart/pseuds/sparkinmybonfireheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris always wanted a ring on his finger and he got what he wanted, only not from Darren. Now he and his husband are separated and he's raising their son on his own. When he moves back from London to New York it's only a matter of time until he meets Darren again. This time Chris wants it all, but they both have a past and they haven't seen each other in years.<br/>Darren has changed, but in spite of this they try to find each other again. Is the fire still burning and most importantly: will it be enough to make it last this time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is written for the CrisscolferBigBang 2015. I've worked on it for quite some time and I'm actually really glad how it turned out. Hope you'll like it too!
> 
> Warning: there's brief mention of past abuse (no details!), so if you're not up for that, better skip this story, although I hope you won't, I've tried to be gentle and respectful.
> 
> As always big thanks to Lynne for editing. 
> 
> Please check out the wonderful soundtrack for this fic:
> 
> [Worth the Wait](http://8tracks.com/farce/worth-the-wait?utm_medium=referral&utm_content=mix-page&utm_campaign=embed_button) from [farce](http://8tracks.com/farce?utm_medium=referral&utm_content=mix-page&utm_campaign=embed_button) on [8tracks Radio](http://8tracks.com?utm_medium=referral&utm_content=mix-page&utm_campaign=embed_button).
> 
> Thank you Farah for finding these beautiful songs to match the story!
> 
> Last but not least: thank you to Lindsey for making this BigBang happen.
> 
> This story is purely a work of fiction, nevertheless: enjoy! 
> 
> Also: please let me know if you like it, comments are fuel to my writing!

_Am I broken? Am I lost to the world? Me. Alone. Am I wasted? Just wasted space, filling in the blanks no one else can see? And if I was, would you pick me? Would you pick me up, don’t let me fall, be with me even if I’m no man’s land, abandoned, empty. Tell me. Would you pick me? Not just now but always, always. Would you dance with me? Sing? Would you read to me? Say you would. Please. I just… please. Say you would._

_Would you love me? Would you?_  
-  
Chris tapes the cardboard box that’s threatening to escape his clumsy fingers. Six years. Six years of dreaming, smiling, fighting, loving and crying. Six years of living all packed up in a neat stack of boxes piled up by the door.

“I think this is the last of it.” David puts down one last box and throws his gloves on top of it. “Pfff. I’m beat.” He drops himself on the floor next to Chris and nudges his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I am.” Chris looks around the empty apartment. It looks so much bigger without all the furniture in it. It also looks abandoned. There’s no soul. They took that away when they packed all the drawings, their books and dvd’s, the nic-nacks and the picture frames. He sighs. “I still can’t believe we’re doing this. Are we really doing this?”

David glances at him. “We are.”

Chris nods. He’s okay. He is. It’s just… when did this all happen? When did they grow apart so much that in the end they were nothing more than shadows passing each other in the hallway or at the coffeemaker right before breakfast? Chris stares outside the window. There’s a fierce wind blowing, pulling the terrace plants in a tight embrace. The weather kind of fits his mood today.

“How are you not freaking out right now?”

David takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s just…. It’s for the best, Chris. You know that. We’ve been over this.”

They have. It was one of the weirdest conversations Chris had ever had. It came unexpected. It came out of nowhere and it knocked him off his feet.

-

_Three months prior_

“David?” Chris peeks through the pillars of the staircase. “David? Your suitcase is blocking the hallway. Could you move it?”  
There’s some vague stumbling coming from the master bedroom. “I’ll be down in a minute, Chris. Just move it, it’s okay.”

Chris mutters under his breath, his arms full of groceries and nowhere to put them as his husband’s giant suitcase is blocking his entry.

“Could you come down for a minute and help me? I can’t move, I’ve kind of got my arms full here.”

Suddenly David’s head appears at the top of the stairs. He’s on his knees, panting, his face red.

Chris frowns. “What are you doing?”

“Just looking for my other sock.” David keeps glancing around, squinting.

Chris cocks his head. “Why would it be on the hallway floor? And why are you scrunching your eyes up like that?”

David sits up, scratching his ear. “Can’t find my glasses.”

It used to make Chris giggle, these moments of utter distraction. Now he just rolls his eyes. “Honey?” He stares pointedly at David’s head.

“Oh, right.” David stumbles down the stairs, shoving his glasses up his nose, quickly glancing around once more. “Well, I guess I’ll buy some new socks while I’m down there. There should be some shops nearby the hotel.”

Chris keeps staring in confusion and his husband shrugs his shoulders. 

“Forgot to do the laundry.”

“Right. Where were you going again?”

“Dubai.”

“Hmm. How long are you staying?”

“Chris!”

“I’m sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind!” He shifts his weight, still holding on to several bags of  
groceries.

“I’ll be back next Monday.” David moves his suitcase. He pushes his glasses up again and watches Chris. “I think we should talk before I leave, though.”  
Chris finally puts the groceries down and sits next to David at the bottom of the stairs. “That sounds serious.”

“Yeah…it kind of is.”

“Oh?”

David sighs. He clasps his fingers together and frowns. “Chris, I… I think we shouldn’t be doing this anymore. Don’t get me wrong, we could but… we shouldn’t.”

“I… what?” Chris was never the one to run away from a serious conversation, but as for all the things he was expecting, it sure as hell wasn’t this.

“Chris, sweetie, you don’t even know where I’m going right now.”

“I’m sorry! Like I said: I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

When David smiles faintly, there’s a hint of sadness in his eyes. “You do have a lot on your mind. Lately, there’s so much going on on your mind though, there’s no more room left for me.”

“I…”

“Chris? It’s okay. Really. I get it. I know you love me and I love you too, very much, but… this isn’t working anymore.” David waves his hands around, emphasizing his words by wide gestures. “We’re close to becoming strangers, passing each other in the night, once and again. It’s not enough, it shouldn’t be. Not for you and not for me.”

Chris tries to wrap his head around the things his husband is saying right now. Where does this come from? As David quietly sits next to him and gives him room to breathe, Chris thinks about lonely nights in an empty apartment because David had some lecture in one of those seemingly nameless places nowhere near London. He thinks about waking up at night only to find his bed empty, no one there to chase his insecurities away. There were rushed mornings and quiet weekends, exhausting business meetings and nobody to come home to. There were dinner parties, weddings and brunches he had attended alone, because David was too busy teaching or travelling around. There were rushed runs to the grocery store or the doctor’s, trying to do everything all at once, Chris being too wrapped up in everyday life to complain about it or even realize he was doing most of this all by himself. He shouldn’t have, though. They were married, husbands. They should’ve been in this together. David being a high class history professor at the university didn’t really help at all in that department. It made him absent a lot, if not in person, then certainly in mind. David was right, they did love each other and no, this life, it wasn’t enough. Not like this.

“I…okay, I get what you’re saying. I… I do.”

They sit next to one another quietly, each man lost in his own head for a while, until Chris cautiously clears his throat.

“So… what are you saying here? We should break up? Have a time-out? End our marriage? Just like that?”

David grabs Chris’ hand. “Chris, let’s be honest here: this has been over for a long time.”

“Maybe if we tried couple’s therapy…”

“Chris…” David rubs his thumb along Chris’ wrist.

Chris stares at their hands, throat dry. This is something Darren used to do, to calm him. It usually worked. Now it only confuses him. They’re having a marriage crisis, for God’s sake, why is he thinking about Darren? He averts his gaze to clear his head. 

“What about Sam?”

David clasps his hands together again and presses hard until his knuckles turn white.

“Yeah… that’s the hardest part. I… we both know you’re his daddy Chris. You…you just are. You take care of him, all day, every day. I’m mostly out of town and when I’m here I get too caught up in work to really be with him, you know? It’s not that I don’t love him, I do, very much, you know that. I guess I’m just not really daddy material.”

David bites his lower lip and Chris can hear his voice shaking when he says it.

“I think he should go with you.”

Although this whole conversation was hard to process, Chris could keep up until now. At this particular moment he’s at a loss, though.

“Go with me? Am I going somewhere? Are you throwing me out?” Chris’ confusion is written all over his face. David doesn’t look at him. He stares at the tiny crack in the wall right in front of him.

“I think… I think you should go back to New York, find what you’re really looking for.”

Chris slowly shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders.

“New York? What am I really looking for?”

“It’s not really a matter of what you’re looking for. It’s who you’re looking for. Let’s be honest here, Chris: you never got over him.” David finally looks at him. His gaze is soft, his smile understanding.

Chris immediately feels the heat rising up his cheeks. There’s not even the slightest hesitation about who he’s talking about.

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. You know it’s true, I can see it in your eyes every time you get caught up in your own head and you get that look. When you get that look, I know you’re thinking about him. It’s okay though, I knew your history when we got together.” 

They’re both silent for a while. Then David continues talking, quietly.

“I could tell, you know, all these years. Every time someone mentioned something about a certain song, a book you’ve read, a movie you’ve seen together. You would get that look in your eyes and I just knew.”

David sighs and takes his hand.

“It’s not a bad thing Chris, I know you loved me, I know you still do, but it’s not the same kind of love. I know you weren’t ready to be together with him with all that shit that was going down at the time and I was there, the right guy at the right time. I’m not the right guy anymore though and as much as I love you I can see this too, I never will be. Not really. You’ve never looked at me the way you used to look at him.”

Chris is so overwhelmed he feels tears prickling in his eyes. He hardly ever cries.

“How do I look at him?”

“That look you get in your eyes whenever something reminds you of him? It’s the same look I saw on your face that one time we were in the same room together, six years ago. It’s like he hung the moon and the stars, Chris. He’s it for you and I knew that all along. I loved you anyway. I just took what you were willing and able to give me and I cherished that, but it’s just over now. You’ve run out of things to hide behind. That ever burning desire to be close to him will never go away. It’s time to reach out for what you really want, for what you need. That goes for the both of you, you know. You need each other Chris, any fool can see that.”

Chris’ heart aches a little when David squeezes his hand.

“As much as I don’t like it, you need each other. I bet he’s still thinking about you, too.”

Chris knows this is a moment. There’s a road to be taken here and he can’t deny which one he would really like to take. He just can’t deny it.

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while haven’t you?”

“I have.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“I knew you would fight me on this. Chris, you’re one of the most loyal people I know. If I wouldn’t push you away, you wouldn’t leave. You wouldn’t.”

Chris nods. He’s probably right. There’s one thing he doesn’t understand, though.

“Why would you push me away? Where’s...the love?”

David shakes his head, voice trembling when he talks. “I do love you, but I know I’m not the person you’re meant to be with. I just… if I’m not the one you’re meant to be with, then maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there, waiting for me too, you know? I want that too. That overwhelming, crazy kind of love, the kind you just can’t walk away from. Just be honest about this. I won’t resent you for it. You know I won’t. I’m not that person. Just be honest, just for once. It’s always been him, hasn’t it?”

Chris takes a deep breath. He doesn’t even have to think about this. Not for even an second. He whispers, as if it would be less painful if he doesn’t say it out loud.

“It has. I love you and respect you, David, I really, really do, but…yeah…it’s been him, always.”

David squeezes Chris’ hand one more time. They sit next to each other at the bottom of the stairs, quiet, not looking at one another, trying to figure out what their future’s going to hold.

 

*


	2. Chapter 2

“So….” Joey takes a long swig of his beer and fumbles at the label of the bottle.

Darren raises his eyebrows and looks at him. Joey’s been weird all night, vague and absent-minded, talking about nothing and everything. There’s something he isn’t telling him.

“So?” He’s got an idea what this is all about, but he sure as hell isn’t going to bring it up.

Joey seems determined though, he’s tapping his fingers on his jeans, clearing his throat, clearly mustering up the courage to talk to him about something. Something or someone.

“He’s coming back.” Joey doesn’t look at him, he just takes another swig, giving him the chance to gain his composure.

Darren hesitates for just one moment, contemplating whether he should play dumb or just go with it. He’s fairly sure Joey’s not to be fooled when it comes to this, though. Not when it comes to this. He knows him too well. He’s been there all along, witnessing the excitement, the love-sick glances, the goofing around, talking and dancing, them just being together and eventually… the heartache. So he knows. He knows that far off look in his eyes Darren always gets when he’s thinking about Chris. There’s no reason to pretend here. Darren sits back on the couch.

“Yeah, he is.” He spreads his fingers and looks at them. After all this time he’s still not used to it. There’s an empty spot where his ring used to be.

“Well?” Joey turns to look at him now.

“Well what?”

Joey rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Well, are you going to see him?”

Darren sighs and stares at the wall, memories flying by in vibrant colors, tricking his mind as if it wasn’t five years ago since they’ve actually seen each other in person.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know how long he’ll be in New York before he returns to London, it could be just for the day, you know.”

Joey glances at him. “Darren?” His eyes are soft and so is his voice when he finally says what he’s been wanting to all evening. “You’re seriously not thinking about letting this opportunity pass to catch up, do you? You’ve got to go meet him. I mean… he’s going to be here, man. He’s going to be right here in the city of endless possibilities.” He gets a goofy look on his face when he says the last part.

Darren rakes his hand through his curls, downing the rest of his beer in one go. “I’ve been fearing this very moment ever since he left, Joe.”

“You’ve been fearing the moment of him coming back? Why, man? Shouldn’t this be a good thing?”

Joey doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t. Darren doesn’t blame him, though. How could he know that Chris was all he ever wanted, that he was sure, from the very moment he met him, that he would never, ever find anyone like him, ever again? All the time they were together he was this fairytale creature: beautiful, lovely and amazing. He was a warm hug on icy evening walks, a comforting voice on long-distance calls. He was a bundle of witty remarks and sarcastic jokes, lips with the taste of cherry chapstick, a lean body to cuddle close to, but most of all he was love, too much love. He was too much love and when he left there was only emptiness. He doesn’t know if he wants to go down that road again. 

“It’s been so long. I wouldn’t know what to do, what to say. What if I just feel uncomfortable when I see him and that’s it? What if there’s nothing left? I don’t want there to be nothing left between us. The only thing worse than him leaving would be him coming back and me realizing this wasn’t as special as I wanted it to be, that maybe it was all in my mind. Besides, he’s married now.”

Joey gives him a funny look.

“What?”

“Come on, Darren. It’s Chris. You couldn’t even pretend there was nothing going on between   
you two, even if you tried.”

*

Chris is exhausted, having been travelling around the country, doing numerous book signings and meet-and-greets. New York’s the last of it, the last signing before he finally gets some well-earned rest. He quietly sips the herbal tea the kind female employee made him just a few minutes ago. His throat is killing him, the weariness and fatigue finally catching up with him. He closes his eyes and hears the hustle and bustle of the New York city life in the background. It’s like a constant humming in the back of his mind, you don’t even notice it’s there anymore until you really start listening to it again. He sighs and looks around the store. It’s a nice one, with small tables and tucked away little corners to hide and read in. The warm color of the lamps create a cozy atmosphere and he wishes he was just at home with Sam, eating a late night dinner and then cuddling on the couch afterwards. It reminds him that he really needs to search for the children’s book he was reading to his son earlier. Sam really loved the story about the little star, but then he had to go to sleep before they got to finish it and it disappeared ever since. Another mystery to be solved. 

“Mr. Colfer?”

He turns and smiles. “Please, it’s Chris.”

The woman who approached him looks pleased at that. “Okay, Chris? There’s a line waiting and it’s about time to start, so if you’re ready…”

“Sure. I’ll come with you right now.”

He puts his tea on the table and stretches his legs. One more hour of signing and smiling. A few more hours and he’ll be home with Sam.

*

Another copy of his book is placed upon the little table he’s sitting at, just when Chris is about to stand up and scoot back his chair. He thought he was finally done for the day, but every reader that makes the effort to come down here deserves the same treatment, even if he or she is actually a bit late. The sign says “6 until 7 pm’” and it’s 7.10 at least. He flips the first page, uncaps his pen and looks up with a smile, ready to ask who exactly he’s signing for. 

That’s when his breath catches, because he’s so not ready for who’s right in front of him. Darren’s hazel eyes are staring right at him, catching him off guard completely. He wasn’t expecting this in a million years and yet he’s right here, beautiful as ever, his eyes guarded and a careful smile on his face.

“Hey, Chris.”

Chris suddenly seems to be having trouble swallowing, his throat thick and dry.

“Hi.” He doesn’t know what to say. There’s nothing he can do but stare at the man who was such an important part of his life for years. It’s strange to finally see him again. He pictured this in his head a thousand times, but this reality is overwhelming him. Just looking into his eyes seems to bring back a whole lot of emotions he’s not ready for. He’s just not ready for it. So Chris does what he does best: he keeps on smiling and pretends this doesn’t affect him at all. He tries to keep it together, looking everywhere except at this gorgeous man who would have him down on his knees in a minute, even after all these years, even if he doesn’t realize it himself.

His pen hovers over the first page as his mind is racing. He doesn’t have a clue what he’s supposed to write, so he puts down his pen for now and finally looks up at Darren. 

“Did you read it?”

Darren doesn’t seem to be puzzled by the way Chris starts this conversation, even if they haven’t seen each other for the longest time. Then again, they never were conventional around each other anyway.

“I did.”

Chris feels a blush creeping up his cheeks. He read it. There’s no way he wouldn’t have noticed the inside jokes and allusions only he would understand. Even if it has been years since they’ve last seen each other, Chris always tried to stay connected in one way or the other, even if it only has been by some words on a piece of paper, meaningless if Darren would have never read them, but he did.

“What did you think?”

Darren shifts his weight, choosing his words carefully. “It was very… you.” He searches Chris’ face and bites his lips when their eyes lock. “I loved it.”

Chris can’t help but smile at that. Suddenly he knows the perfect thing to write in Darren’s copy. He scribbles it down, closes the book and hands it over.

“Thanks for… reading, I guess.”

Darren nods, unsure what to say next. He tucks the book under his arm, without opening it. He’ll read Chris’ message later when he’s home, safe from those piercing, knowing eyes.

“So…are you staying in the city for a while or are you going back to London soon?”

Chris shakes his head. “I’m staying. New York is the last stop on the book signing tour and I’ve got some time off now, to settle in, you know.”

Darren shuffles his feet. He doesn’t understand what Chris is saying. What is he saying?

“Settle in?”

“I’m moving back. David and I broke up a few months ago. I needed a change. I needed a place to breathe. New York seemed like a good choice to me.” Chris shrugs his shoulders, but he doesn’t miss the way Darren takes in a sharp breath.

“You’re back in New York? For real?”

“I am. I… uhm…” He reaches down his messenger bag, takes out a little notepad and starts scribbling. He tears off the piece of paper and hands it over. “If you would like to… uhm call me or whatever…” He gestures awkwardly, his cheeks flushing.

“I… yeah…thanks.” Darren tucks the paper in his back pocket, only to change his mind right after and taking out his wallet to put it there instead. He knows he should be leaving now, but his feet seem to be having a hard time understanding exactly that. He stares into Chris’ eyes and he’s just mesmerized. Memories start rushing back at him, even if he doesn’t want to think about their past. It’s right there though. It’s right there in those stormy eyes that seem to hypnotize him. He starts walking backwards, not sure how to end this conversation properly.

Chris seems to find his common sense again though. 

“Thank you for coming.” He notices Darren hasn’t lost his ability to make every person he ever talks to feel special.

“You’re very welcome.” 

The look in Darren’s eyes seems to shoot sparks up and down Chris’ spine and he feels like he just fell for this man all over again. Just like the first time they met. He didn’t need to make some cheesy, over the top compliment, he didn’t even have to say anything actually. He just needed to be there. Even after all this time, all Darren had to do to make Chris swoon again was show up.

*


	3. Chapter 3

“Come on, buddy, put your pajamas on and brush your teeth.” Chris hands Sam his favorite Batman pajamas and sits down at the edge of the bathtub while continuing to talk to Alla on the phone.

“I was stunned Alla, really, I didn’t know what to say.”

“Hmm. Chris Colfer lost for words… You’re an author, right?” Alla chuckles.

“Daddy?” Sam pulls at his sleeve. “Daddy?”

“Just a minute, sweetie.” Chris makes a funny face at his son who starts giggling immediately.

“Hey Al? I’ll call you back in half an hour, okay?

“I expect to hear all the details, Chris!”

Chris rolls his eyes at that.

“Half an hour. Bye, Alla!” He puts down the phone.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“Can I stay up a little while longer, please, daddy? Ninja Turtles wasn’t finished yet and it was so exciting, because Mikey was going out for pizza and then Leo had a fight with Donnie, but…”

Chris holds his hands up in defense. “Whoa, easy Mr. Ninja Turtle! Let’s make a deal; you put your pj’s on and brush your teeth real quick, and you can watch another ten minutes.”

Sam fist-pumps the air. “Yes!”

Chris can’t help but smile. “But no long story before bed though, you have to choose a short one, okay?”

Sam nods eagerly and throws his arms around Chris’ neck. “Thank you, daddy!”

“You’re welcome, buddy. Now go on, hurry up.”

Chris watches Sam run off to the living room. He laughs quietly. That boy has him wrapped around his little finger and he doesn’t even know it. He’s a sweetheart, though. Chris tries to be a good father: strict, but fair, but most of the time, there’s no need to be harsh: Sam’s a good boy. He deserves that little extra sometimes. Chris folds Sam’s clothes and cleans up the towels and the toys in the tub. When he’s done cleaning the toothpaste his son spilled onto the sink, he tosses Sam’s dirty clothes into the hamper and walks into the living room.   
He pauses in the doorway. Sam is lying on the couch, watching the bright tv screen, his little stuffed bunny clutched into his fist. He’s so adorable, Chris feels his heart swell at the sight of it. He sits down next to him and pets his head lightly.

“Hey Sammy, you okay?”

“Hmmm.” The little boy hums, but doesn’t take his eyes off the screen. His eyelids are already drooping, but he wouldn’t admit he’s exhausted, not for the world. His left hand brushes his bunny’s ear rhythmically.

Chris can’t help but smile again. “You’re a little tired there, buddy?”

Sam’s eyes divert only for a second. “Noooo…”

Chris chuckles. “I think Mr. Puddles is a little tired though. Maybe we should get him to bed?”  
Sam clutches his little bunny to his chest. “No, Mr. Puddles is staying with me and I’m not sleepy yet, right daddy?”

Chris shakes his head. “Five more minutes, sweetie and then bedtime it is.”

Sam gives him a cute little pout. “But I’m not sleepy, yet.”

“Sammy, five more minutes and off to bed you go.”

“Okay, daddy.”

Chris slouches on the couch and watches the green creatures on the screen. He loves these little moments at night with his son. The quiet of the evening makes them curl up on the couch together and cuddle. Sometimes, he wishes there was someone there with them though. Being a single father can be lonely at times, especially at night. When he thinks about nights like that, he doesn’t think of David anymore. Not anymore. He doesn’t even seem to really miss him , even if they were together for years. He misses the idea of them being together as a family, but David was hardly even there to begin with, so maybe this dream of being a real family would have never become true in the first place. That makes him think they made the right decision by breaking up. He still wants a family though, someone there with him to laugh and to love, to take care of Sam together. 

Chris looks at his son who’s almost asleep on the couch now. He rakes his fingers through his hair and somehow while doing this, his mind drifts and he thinks about earlier tonight. He thinks about a sweet, gentle, passionate man with curly hair and kind, hazel eyes. He smiles at Sam and he remembers: Darren was always good with kids. His son would love Darren, but most importantly; Darren would love his son. 

*

Darren sits on his couch, glass of scotch in his hand, gently swirling the liquid around. He hears the rain streaming against the window and sighs. So, he did it. He went to see Chris. After five long years of no contact whatsoever he just stepped right up to him. He finally saw the man again that rocked his world all those years ago. He was nervous and he thought it would be awkward, but it wasn’t awkward at all. It really wasn’t. That’s probably what upsets him the most. How can they go from no proof of life whatsoever in nearly five years, to being so at ease with each other again, in merely seconds? He takes a sip and feels the scotch burning. It’s a good hurt.

He didn’t look inside his copy of Chris’ book yet. He has no idea what kind of message he wrote. Maybe it was just a quick “Nice to see you again, enjoy reading.” kind-of message. Then again, maybe it wasn’t. Darren’s just a little afraid of all the things it might not be.  
In the corner of his eye, he can see the book lying on the coffee table, begging for him to pick it up and read it. He bites his lips and keeps staring at it.

“Okay, this isn’t helping one bit.” He mumbles quietly to himself. “Just open the damn thing and read it!” He snatches the book off the table and flips the first page, only to smile at Chris’ familiar handwriting. Then he takes a deep breath and starts reading Chris’ message.

For Darren,  
Who always reminds me who I am exactly.  
You still make me want to try and be a better person.  
Thank you for reading and thank you for inspiring me, still, always,  
Love,  
Chris

Darren stays still for a few long minutes, thoughts and emotions swirling around in his head. Then he grabs his phone and dials a number.

“Hey Dare.”

“I need to get drunk.”

“Okay?” His brother’s voice sounds thrown off.

“Can we meet up?”

“Uhm. Well…I don’t know if we had plans tonight, but I can check with…”

“Chuck, you don’t understand. I need to get drunk with you. Tonight.” Darren tries to keep the underlying tone of anxiety out of his voice.

“What happened?” 

Darren hesitates, but after a few seconds he just blurts it out. “Chris happened.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Meet me in 20.”

Darren hangs up the phone, grabs his jacket, wallet and keys and rushes out of the front door.

*

“You know I’m right, little bro.”

Darren shakes his head and shoves a slice of pizza into his mouth. “Why am I stuffing myself with junk food and soft drinks instead of getting unbelievably, incredibly, disgustingly drunk right now?”

Chuck laughs quietly. “Because I’m the more sensible one and you always listen to your big brother?”

Darren huffs. “Yeah, right.”

“Seriously Darren, you know I’m right. Be an adult about this and talk to Chris. Get to know him again, you haven’t seen each other in years. Find out if you still have feelings for him and if or when you do: don’t run away again. You’re both different people now. He’s been married, he has a past with someone else, I’m sure it changed him in some way. You’ve changed too, you know, a lot of shit has gone down in your life, too. Just hang out with him and see if you two can mean something to each other again. Maybe you do, maybe there’s still something there and maybe this time you guys can actually make this work, but you know…maybe you don’t. Maybe there’s nothing left and in that case it wasn’t meant to be, but at least you’ll know. You’ll know and you’ll be able to leave it alone and you know… sleep at night.”

Darren chews his lip. “Wow, that’s one of the longest speeches I’ve ever heard you give, man.”

Chuck shrugs his shoulders. “I have my moments.” He grabs Darren’s shoulder and squeezes tight.

“Don’t run away from this Darren, you need to face this. You’ve got to come to terms with this or it will keep chasing you.”

Darren pushes his plate a little further on the table. “I’m actually not that hungry.”

“Darren…”

He sits back and rubs his hands over his face. “Yeah, I know. So… no drinking then?”

Chuck sighs. “No drinking and if you don’t meet up with him within the next week I’ll personally drag you over there myself.”

*

 

“Eat your veggies, Sammy.”

“I don’t want to!’

“Sam…”

“They look weird. And the colors don’t match. They’re orange and green and yellow and they’re not right.”

Chris sighs. “Sam, it’s carrots and broccoli, there’s nothing weird about it. Now, will you please eat your vegetables, so I can clear the table and do the dishes? I’m tired too, you know.”

“I don’t want you to do dishes. I want you to play with me.” The little boy looks down and frowns.

“Daddy can’t play with you all the time, Sammy, you know that. Please, be a good boy, eat your veggies and play on your own for a while.”

“But I don’t want to…”

“Sam, enough! Now eat your goddamn vegetables!” Chris scares himself with the way he gets mad at Sam and yells at him. He never yells. He sees the tears well up in his son’s eyes and rushes to dry his face. “Oh, Sammy, I’m so sorry! Daddy’s just tired, I didn’t mean to yell at you, sweetie, I’m really sorry.”

Sam keeps sobbing. His bottom lip trembles and he looks down, looking so miserable it almost makes Chris cry, too. Sam points at his runny nose. “There’s snot on my face.” He takes in a shaky breath. “I don’t like snot on my face. Daddy? You have to make the tears go. I don’t want them.”

Chris looks at Sam and it feels like his heart is too big for his chest. “Come here, buddy.” He wipes his face again and holds him close.

“I love you so much you know? I’m really sorry I yelled at you. Okay, Sammy?”

Sam lifts his tear-streaked face. “I love you, too. Daddy’s can be tired too, right?”

Chris smiles. “Yes they can, sweetie, but you know what? Even when I’m a little mad at you, I still love you very much. Will you remember that?”

“I’ll remember.” He still sounds a little defeated and Chris feels bad. He’s so damn tired.

“Okay, buddy, are you still hungry?”

Sam shakes his head, no.

“Well how about you eat three more bites of your veggies and then we’ll get you into your pajamas and cuddle up in front of the tv. How does that sound?”

Sam looks at his plate. “Three more bites?”

“Three more bites.”

“Okay then.” Sam quickly shoves three spoons full of vegetables into his mouth, counting them one by one.

Chris finally relaxes his shoulders. “Good boy. Let’s get you ready for bed then.”

“Daddy?” Sam’s voice is small when he looks up at Chris. “What about the dishes?”

“Don’t mind the dishes, sweetie. I’ll get to it when you go to bed, okay? Now go brush your teeth, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“And then Ninja Turtles?”

Chris chuckles. “And then Ninja Turtles.”

Sam runs to the bathroom, singing some kind of silly song about a little duck. He’s already forgotten their argument. Chris hasn’t though. He still feels kind of guilty. He’s antsy and a little nervous and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t want to take it out on Sam though, maybe a good night’s sleep will get him through.

Sam quickly finishes up in the bathroom and they settle in front of the television, watching another episode of Ninja Turtles. Right before Sam’s bedtime Chris is startled by a knock on the door. He didn’t expect any visitors tonight.

“I’ll go get the door, Sam, two more minutes and then bedtime, okay?”

Sam hums, not really paying attention.

When Chris opens the door he’s met by the same beautiful hazel eyes he saw just the day before.

“Darren?”

“Chris.” Darren smiles softly. “Hey, I…uh…”

Chris frowns. “How did you get my…”

“Alla.” Darren interrupts him.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Uhm, I can go if you don’t want…”

“No! No, it’s uhm, it’s okay.” Chris steps aside. “Come in.”

Darren hesitates and then enters the apartment. “I’m sorry to barge in like this, I just…”

Suddenly Sam runs by, a whirlwind of blond curls and a Batman cape. “Daddy!” He shrieks. “Daddy, who’s at the door?” He rounds a corner, comes back again and jumps into Chris’ arms. He’s out of breath and his cheeks are flushed. He raises his eyebrows and looks at Darren. “I don’t know you.”

“Oh, hi… I’m Darren.”

“I’m Sam!”

Darren hums. “Sam. Short, but powerful, I like it!”

The boy eyes him curiously and leans a little closer. “Batman or Spiderman?” he whispers conspiratorial.

Chris can see Darren’s trying to stay serious, but the little twitch at the corner of his mouth totally gives him away. He leans closer to Sam and whispers in the same way. “Batman, right? No doubt about it. Definitely Batman!”

Sam starts jumping up and down in Chris’ arms and yells loudly. “See Daddy! I’m right and you’re wrong! Batman is the coolest!” He glances at Darren and adds for good measure: “Darren says so, too!” He looks at Chris expectantly.

“Well if you put it like that…” Chris makes a funny face. Sam struggles to get free and runs into the living room again. “I win! I win! Batman is the coolest, I win!”

Chris turns to Darren and chuckles. “He only met you two seconds ago, but I think you’re already his new best friend!”

Darren smiles and looks at the ground. “So…he’s yours?”

Chris raises one eyebrow. “You figured that out all on your own huh, Mr. Private Investigator?”

Darren laughs at that. “Well, I guess the fact that he called you ‘Daddy’ a few times kind of gave it away.”

“Huh.” Chris shakes his head. Darren’s been on his doorstep for about five minutes and already he feels so at ease with him again, even after all those years being apart. Why did he ever doubt this?

“So, do you want to come in or are you going to stay in my hallway for the rest of the evening?”

“Definitely coming in.” Darren clears his throat and tries to hide his nerves by shoving his trembling fingers in the pockets of his pants.

“Please, don’t mind the mess. It’s been a hectic day and even a worse night.” Chris tries to apologize. He wants Darren to like his home and dirty dishes and toys scattered all over the floor are not really on his list of favorite decorative objects.

“No worries. I really am sorry for barging in like this.” Darren looks around and takes in the interior he sees in front of him. There’s a large window covering almost the entire back wall. It provides a feeling of freedom and spaciousness. There’s a couch that looks comfy and cozy and a small coffee table with some toys and a manuscript on it. He notices the huge bookcase filled with all sorts of books, or so it seems when he looks at it from a distance. He sees various picture frames with pictures of Sam, Hannah, Chris’ parents and grandparents and some people he doesn’t recognize. He realizes they really have been apart for quite some time as he doesn’t even know half the people in those picture frames. Chris clears his throat and Darren realizes he’s just standing there, not talking. He turns to Chris and notices his weary eyes. His face even looks paler than usual.

“Rough day?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. I was just about to put Sam to bed.” Chris mutters under his breath. “I didn’t even do the dishes yet.” He thinks about the discussion with his publisher and the argument with the insurance guy. Then he thinks about the dishwasher that hasn’t arrived yet and the fact that he still has to unpack a load of things, which makes him feel really stressed out and out of place. He remembers the way he lost his patience with Sam over dinner and he’s not quite sure he’s ready for another swirl of emotions. Then Darren looks at him though, smiles the sweetest of smiles and says:

“Hey, how about you go put your son to bed and I’ll make you some tea in the meantime, so you can drink it while we do the dishes together?”

Chris stares at Darren unable to hide the beginning of a smile. He did always see right through him.

‘What?’

Chris ducks his head. Could it really be this easy?

“Chris?” Darren looks at him questioningly and Chris brushes the tips of his fingers lightly as he quietly says. “I’m glad you came.”

*


	4. Chapter 4

“I think he’s already asleep, he was so tired.” Chris glances at Darren and doesn’t quite know how to behave. Darren is standing in his kitchen, tea cup in one hand and towel in the other. This is weird. Isn’t it? Darren hands the cup over to Chris and leans back against the counter.

“He seems great.” He offers Chris a small smile, but it turns to a full grin as he says: “I even got hugs. Twice! It’s the Batman thing, I tell ya.”

Chris rolls his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself, the boy will come to his senses one day.” He nudges Darren’s shoulder “Scoot over, I’ll wash, you dry.”

He feels Darren staring at him, so he keeps babbling, trying to hide his nerves.  
“That damn dishwasher didn’t arrive yet and there’s still so much to do and take care of. Moving across the ocean is kind of exhausting, you know? I wish we were already completely settled in. Sam doesn’t mind, though, he’s at ease wherever he goes, I swear, this boy’s going to be some kind of adventurer when he grows up.” He clears his throat and has no clue what to say next.

Darren turns to face him and looks at him, like, really looks at him.

“Hey, Chris?”

Chris is kind of embarrassed by his flushed cheeks and tries to concentrate on the soapy water. “Yeah?”

“It’s really good to see you again.”

*

They finish up in the kitchen and Chris shows Darren to the couch as he goes to check up on Sam one more time. When he comes back, the soft light of the table lamp casts a golden glow over Darren’s face.

Darren turns to him and smiles shyly. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

Chris is standing next to the couch a little awkwardly, debating whether he should sit next to Darren or go over to the other couch, but the decision is made for him when Darren pulls him closer. “Come sit with me?”

Chris startles at the contact. The moment he feels Darren’s fingers touch and let go again, he wants to grab them and hold on to them. Oh, he’s already in too deep once again. He fidgets at his clothes and doesn’t know where to look.

“Chris? Please talk to me? I mean… Let’s just… talk a little. Hang out? I just… Oh man…” Darren shakes his head and takes in a deep breath. “Okay, so I really suck at this.” He sighs. “I came here because I wanted to see you and spend some time with you. I just… I want to spend some time with you, if that’s okay. It’s been so long.” He looks up at Chris and Chris can hardly look him in the eyes. He would give him anything when he looks at him like that.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

*

They talk about everything and nothing and it’s…nice. They both try to find their way back to each other. It’s a careful dance and they haven’t practiced in a long time.

“More tea?”

Darren nods. “Yes, please.”

“You’re singing tomorrow then?”

“Eight o’clock. Nothing big though, more like a favor to a good friend. It’s just a little bar. It’s going to be an acoustic set, it should be nice, you should come. I mean…you could come and see me if you’d like.” Darren coughs and looks at the carpet. “I don’t mean to…”

“I’d love to.”

“Yeah?” The joy in Darren’s voice is obvious, but they both choose to ignore it.

“I just have to arrange a sitter for Sam, but I can ask Sarah, she lives across the hall. I know her from before, she’ll do it if she has the time.”

“Okay. Wait…Sarah? As in Adam’s Sarah?”

“Yeah, the same one. Adam’s not around anymore, though. They broke up years ago.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Still nice that you have a friend near.”

“True.”

They look at each other and suddenly there’s nothing left to say. Chris clears his throat awkwardly, but it doesn’t chase the tension away. He’s suddenly very aware that Darren is sitting right next to him and then there’s nothing he can do but take his hand. He just has to touch. He squeezes it carefully and sighs. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

Darren swallows hard. “I’ve missed you, too. A lot.”

“Why didn’t we talk to each other for all this time, Dare? There was too much left unsaid.”

“I know. There was too much… of everything. Too much love, Chris, I couldn’t be in the same room with you without being so obvious. I just… I didn’t want to hurt you even more than I already did and I also didn’t… I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.”

Chris can feel Darren going tense beside him as he continues.

“We were a mess. You know we were. We couldn’t be together and we couldn’t be apart.” 

The silence lingers on after that until Darren clears his throat. “I loved you, though. So much.”

Chris tries to keep his head clear while listening to the man of whom he once thought he couldn’t live without. He’s laying it all out on the table and he’s being so damn honest and it hurts hearing him pour his heart out like that. 

“Sometimes love isn’t enough, though. I thought it would be better if I’d stay away for a while and then you moved and… well, keeping my distance seemed like the right thing to do.”

“You hurt me anyway.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Chris squeezes Darren’s hand again. He can’t turn away this time, he just can’t. “I want you in my life again.”

“Yeah.”

“Can we do better this time?”

“I’ll try.” 

“Me too.”

Darren smiles at that and finally looks at Chris again. “Tell me when to back off. Let me know when it gets too much.”

Chris whispers. “I will.” He nods and takes a deep breath when Darren tangles their fingers together.

“Please don’t go away again for this long. I need you in my life, in whatever capacity, Chris. I need you.”

Chris’ voice only wavers a tiny bit when he answers. “Not going anywhere, okay? I’m right here.”

*

“He likes to drink some water before he goes to bed, but he needs to go to the bathroom after, or there’s a chance he’ll wet the bed.”

Sarah nods. “Chris, I know. You told me last time I was here, remember?”

Sam comes running into the kitchen, triumphantly holding a bag of chips. “Daddy, look what Auntie Sarah brought!” His face is beaming and he’s so excited he’s jumping up and down, his fluffy doggy slippers falling off his feet. “Oh, we’re going to have so much fun!”

Chris raises an eyebrow at Sarah.

“Uh, yeah. bribery,” she admits and chuckles. “I still want him to like me.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. You already have his eternal love, you know.”

She shakes her head. “Well, I’m not so sure, I think I’ve got some competition going on since Darren went all superhero on him.”

Sam beams at that. “Is Darren coming, too?”

Chris glances at Sarah and then grabs his son, only to throw him up in the air and catch him again, giggling and squealing. “No buddy, Darren’s not coming tonight.”

“Oh. I liked him. He choosed Batman as his favorite and he gives nice hugs. They’re the good kind.” He laughs at Chris and bumps their noses together.

“Maybe we’ll invite him later this week, okay?”

“Okay, daddy.”

“I can be a superhero too, you know.” Sarah smiles at Sam.

“You’re a girl.”

“Uh, yeah… I know. Girls can be superheroes too.”

“They can?” Sam seems to think about it. “What kind of powers would they have? Would it be like…”

“Oh, this is going to be good.” Chris laughs quietly.

Sarah looks at him in confusion. “How do you mean? Don’t you want your son to be respectful of women, equal rights and all that sh…, uh, and all that?”

Chris bites his lip and tries to hold back his laughter. “Of course I do, I just think you underestimate his ability to list all superhero powers of ANY superhero known to man, which he’s about to start with like… right now.”

As if on cue Sam starts rambling about all sorts of superpowers. Sarah looks at Chris in mock panic. 

“Oh, no! Am I supposed to know what an intergalactic ice power storm is?”

“Hmm, he can do that all night you know, still want to be on his superhero side?”

Sarah buries her head in her hands and laughs. “Oh, god. What did I get myself into with you two?”

Sam doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. “Can I eat some chips now?”

Chris pets his head. “You’ve got to eat something first, sweetie, but I’m going to leave that to Aunt Sarah.” He grins at her and she rolls her eyes.

“You think I can’t get him to eat something proper before he attacks the junk food?”

Chris shrugs his shoulders and wiggles his eyebrows. “You can try...” He takes his keys and phone and looks around the room. “Okay, he can choose whatever bedtime story he likes, but he has to be in bed by…”

Sarah chuckles. “Chris! I know, you already told me and there’s the note on the fridge in case I’d forget.”

“Right. Okay. Right. Well, you have my number, so you can call me whenever…”

“Oh, god, just leave!” Sarah winks at Sam and starts pushing Chris in the direction of the door.

“Hey now, let me hug my son first!”

Sam comes running and jumps into Chris’ arms. “Bye, daddy!”

“Bye, sweetie. Be good, okay? Listen to Aunt Sarah. I’ll come and give you a goodnight kiss when I get home, okay?”

He gives Sam another hug, puts him down and after another wave at Sarah, he’s finally out the door.

“Have fun!” Sarah yells at the closed door and then looks at the food on the kitchen counter. There’s carrots and peas, but there’s also a very exciting, bouncing boy, holding a bag of chips in front of her. She gives him a lopsided smile and sighs. “Okay then, superhero veggies, coming right up!”

*

The bar is already packed with people and Chris has no idea why Darren would call this ‘nothing big’ as the crowd is already buzzing with excitement, clearly impatiently waiting, happy to see him perform. It’s loud and busy, but it’s also cozy and Chris likes it the minute he steps inside. 

He doesn’t know the friend Darren was talking about, the one he’s doing this for as a favor and he has no idea who else will be there, so he searches the room, trying to find a not-so-busy spot. Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder and someone shouts in his ear.

“Hey, man! Long time, no see! How have you been?”

He turns around and looks right into Joey’s laughing, crooked face. “Joey!” He’s genuinely happy to see him. It’s been ages and he’s missed his friends. All of his friends.  
They hug and laugh and Joey takes him to a table where people shove over until there’s room left for the both of them. He wants to buy him a beer and Chris takes a deep breath while his friend is getting his drink. He’s missed this. All of this.

He hears some cheering and clapping and then the man they’ve all been waiting for appears on the small stage, settling down behind the piano.

“Hey guys. Glad you could come tonight.”

People keep cheering and laughing and some of them shout some incomprehensive things in Darren’s direction, which makes him say: “Yeah, yeah, love you, too.”

Chris has been so entranced by Darren that he hardly noticed Joey coming back with his drink. He takes it and they exchange a look that makes Chris’ cheeks flush. Joey still seems to be able to see right through him. How does he even do that? He always knew what was going on with Darren and him, even if they hardly knew it themselves. Underneath those silly looks and the goofy behavior, Joey Richter is a damn smart guy and right now, he’s so aware of Chris being down right mesmerized by Darren. Well, to hell with it. Chris is tired of hiding, he wants Darren and he isn’t afraid of it anymore. Besides, Joey’s with him on this, he always supported them, even when it got really tough.

Darren has started playing and Chris turns to the stage again. A soft, smooth voice fills the room and he feels his heart fluttering.

“You still love him, don’t you?”

Chris’ eyes widen in surprise, but he gives in quickly.

“You know I do.”

Joey hums and doesn’t say anything.

“I just…” Chris shrugs. “I never stopped, you know? I never stopped.”

Then Joey squeezes his shoulder. “Tell him, Chris. Be honest and courageous and swallow whatever pride or fear that’s withholding the both of you, so you guys can finally really be together and love each other, I mean… Jesus Christ, it took you both long enough to get to this point. Just… tell him that you love him or I will crash both of your stubborn heads together, so help me God.”

Chris chuckles at that. “Okay, alright, hold your horses!”

Joey keeps looking at him, as if he’s trying to make a decision. Then he leans closer. “Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s had a rough time while you were gone. I mean… not all of it, but…yeah, there were some shitty times. It’s not my place to talk to you about it, but… well, I just want you to know. Be careful. I don’t want him to get hurt again. He’s like my brother, you know?”

Chris is taken aback by Joey’s comments. It’s not like him to talk about Darren like that.

“Hey, Joe, you know I wouldn’t hurt him.”

“I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t. I love you Chris, you know that, and I would love it if you guys would finally get your heads out of your asses and just be together, as you should be, you know? If you can’t though … then I’d rather have you stay away from him. I don’t like talking to you like this, Chris, but I mean it. He’s been through so much, if there’s one person who could truly love him, I really believe it’s you, but if you just can’t get there… let him be.” Joey’s looking at him intently and the message comes across. Chris knows Joey’s on their side, so if he’s warning him like this, something must have gone really bad.

“I hear you, Joey, I do. I did a lot of thinking lately, you know? This divorce… it really made me question so many things. I know what I want and I’m not afraid to get it. Not anymore. I want him, I always have, even when I didn’t realize it myself and I’ll do everything in my power to make that happen. If we can’t handle it though, I’ll walk. I mean it, Joey, I’ll walk if it’s in his best interest.”

Joey nudges his shoulder. “You better make this work, man. I’d hate it if it didn’t work out this time.”

Chris sighs and looks at the stage again. “Me too, believe me, me too.”

He watches Darren play the piano and sing his heart out and he knows he won’t back down this time. When their eyes lock, his breath catches and he feels the tension pulsing in the air. It feels like there’s an invisible line connecting them and he clearly feels the tug between them. His whole body hurts with it, he just wants to run out on the stage to Darren and hold him. He just wants to hold him, be close and be able to breathe again.

When Darren’s done, Chris fights to stay in his seat. Joey notices he’s fidgety, but he doesn’t comment and Chris is glad. He waits for Darren to make his way from the stage to their table, doing small talk, shaking hands and bumping fists. When he finally does arrive he just stands there, looking at Chris, who’s on his feet in no time. The air is heavy between them, heavy with expectations and hope and… want. Chris feels that old familiar feeling taking over and he doesn’t even try to fight it. He’s done fighting. He takes Darren’s hand and their eyes never leave each other. Darren’s so overwhelmed with emotions, he can’t even hide it, it’s written all over his face. Joey watches them and mumbles amused, “I guess I’ll just… talk to you later then.”

Chris doesn’t even glance at him for another second, it seems like he’s unaware of anyone else in the room. He tugs Darren along with him and doesn’t stop walking until they’re outside in the cold, shivering in their light clothes. “Come home with me.”

Darren hesitates. “What about Sam?”

“I don’t want you to…, I just want to talk or… I don’t know, just be with me, I… I just want you near Darren, please.”

Darren looks at him intently, but Chris keeps steady under his gaze. “Come home with me.”

“Okay.”

Chris nods. “Okay.” He laughs a bit shakily. They walk a little further on the sidewalk and Chris hails a cab, all the while holding Darren’s hand. He tells the driver where to go while he sits as close to Darren as he possibly can. There’s no more need to pretend right now, he’s blown all his covers, it’s all out there now. The drive home is quiet and while they don’t talk, they do look at each other. Darren searches Chris’ face and then bumps their foreheads together. He smiles and looks out the window while he squeezes Chris’ hand.

“I want to be with you.”

Chris squeezes back. “Okay.”

*

Sarah is still awake, watching a movie when they enter the apartment. She takes one look at them, at their serious faces and their linked hands and she gets her coat without any comment.

“He’s been good.” She whispers at Chris. “He ate some veggies and potatoes, didn’t like the fish though. I got him to eat a few bites and he had some chips later on. He went to bed on time and he’s been sleeping ever since.”

Chris nods. “Thanks Sarah.”

“You’re welcome. Hey Dare.” She gives him a small wave.

“Hi.” Darren waves back at her and smiles a little. The way he’s still holding Chris’ hand and the way he tilts his body towards him is pretty obvious. Sarah takes her purse. Time to leave. They’ll have plenty of time to catch up later. She looks at Chris.  
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He nods. “Yeah.”

When she’s out the door the two men just keep standing in the living room, suddenly unsure of what to do. Then Darren finally moves closer and leans into Chris.

“Wanna be close to you.”

Chris closes his eyes for a second. “Hmmm. Let me make you some coffee.” He trails off to the kitchen while Darren follows him. He barely makes it to the coffee maker, he wants to touch Darren so bad. Joey’s words are still on his mind, though and he doesn’t want to rush this. He’s trying to concentrate on putting the little cup in the machine when he feels Darren’s arms creep around his waist. Chris’ hands start shaking and he feels his heart rate going sky-high. Darren presses himself against him. 

“Shhh, I’ve got you. Calm down, I’ve got you now.” His voice is wavering and he sounds determined and vulnerable at the same time.

They stay close like that, Chris not even trying to pretend he’s making coffee anymore. They’re back to chest, both trying to concentrate on their breathing. Chris tries to still his hands and lets his head fall back. The only thing holding him up right now is Darren, strong and very present behind him. It’s been a while since they were close like this and it’s scary and thrilling at the same time.

Darren talks quietly. “Come on. Leave the coffee.” He leads Chris to the couch and sits next to him. He’s obviously nervous, biting his lips and eyes darting around the room. Chris lifts his hand to swipe back a few stray curls and then his fingers trail along Darren’s cheek.

“Why are we nervous like this?”

Darren just smiles at him.

“You’re beautiful.” Chris sits closer and Darren tentatively nuzzles at his neck. He feels Chris’ arms coming up to touch him and lets out a soft sigh. Chris’ fingers feel so good, carding through his curls, grounding him. They stay close like that for a while, just holding each other, their bodies getting used to being near to each other once again and their minds trying not to think about it too much. It gets late and suddenly they’re both too tired to keep their eyes open.

Chris’ voice is hoarse when he starts talking.

“I’d really like you to stay, just… be with me, but…”

Darren nods. “Sam. I understand. We can’t…”

“No. I’m sorry.”

Darren takes his hand. “It’s okay, Chris. Really. It’s fine. I don’t know if I would be comfortable with staying anyway, to be honest, I… I don’t want to move too fast.” He shakes his head and looks away.

Chris cups his cheek and turns his head to be able to look him in the eyes. “Hey, it’s me. Don’t be self-conscious. It’s just me.”

“I know. I just need you to understand that I’ll need some time to get used to this again.” He gestures between them. “Us, you know?”

His gaze is sweet and honest and Chris suddenly feels lonely. “I wish you could stay.”

“I’ll text you when I get home.”

“I’d like that.”

“Hmmm.” Darren smiles faintly.

Chris closes his eyes and rubs his cheek along Darren’s stubble.

“I should leave, Chris, you’re tired.”

“Just a little.”

Darren brushes his fingers along his cheek. “Hey, I can see you’re exhausted. Take care of yourself, okay? Get some sleep.” His voice is soft and soothing. “Get yourself ready for bed and by the time you’ve got your pj’s on and brushed your teeth, I’ll be home and I’ll be texting you goodnight, okay?”

“Okay. We’ll see each other again soon?” Chris just has to ask. 

“We will.” Darren cups his face and makes him look at him. “Chris? We will, okay?”

“Okay.”

*

Chris lies awake for a very long time that night. He doesn’t know what to think of it. What are they doing? Is he in for a rough ride again? Will it be easier this time? What did Joey refer to when he was talking about Darren having a shitty time earlier? What happened to him? Something serious or did he just get hurt by an ex-boyfriend or… what? He doesn’t know. He only knows that it feels good to see Darren again, to talk to him, to hold him. It feels so good and he doesn’t want it to stop.

*


	5. Chapter 5

“Sam! We’re leaving!” Chris looks around the kitchen, but he can’t seem to find his phone. He could swear he saw it somewhere only five minutes ago.

“Sam! What are you… oh, there you are. Time to leave, sweetie. I don’t want us to be late again, you know Miss O’Donnell doesn’t like it when we’re late.”

Sam doesn’t say anything. He starts putting his shoes on instead. His face is blotchy and it looks like he’s been crying, although Chris isn’t entirely sure.

“Hey little man, what’s with the sad face?”

“I’m not sad.” He turns away.

“Okay, are you angry? Did I say or do something?” 

“Not angry, daddy. Can we go?”

“Uhm, sure… Yeah, let’s go.” Chris hesitates, but the clock is ticking and he really doesn’t want to be late again. He decides to talk to Sam about it after dinner, if he’s still moping around by then. He runs around the kitchen in a hurry, but still no phone. “Okay, without the phone, then. Come on, buddy.” He grabs his coat and takes Sam’s hand, who’s already waiting by the door. They rush downstairs, walk the few blocks to the kindergarten and make it just in time to avoid Miss O’Donnell’s reprimanding face.

Chris waves at Sam and looks at him as he steps inside, his backpack covered by stickers and little keychains. The small boy looks defeated and Chris has no idea what’s going on. He worries. Of course he does. If there’s something going on, he wants to know. He needs to know. There’s nothing he can do right now though, so he turns around to walk back to his apartment. As he takes out his keys to open the door, he hears another one open across the hall.

Chris doesn’t even turn around. “Coffee?”

Sarah laughs. “Sounds good. I’ve got some bagels if you’re up for it.”

Chris smiles. He steps inside and leaves the door open. A few minutes later Sarah follows him, carrying a brown bag from the bakery across the street.

“Hmmm. You know I would literally pay a shitload of money for one of these. No work today?”

Sarah pouts. “I wish. Starting this afternoon. Late shift.”

Chris hums and while he makes some coffee, Sarah wanders around the kitchen.

“Why is your phone in the fruit basket?”

“Oh. You found it!”

She giggles. “Still living in chaos like you always used to, huh? I thought it gets better with the years? You know… wisdom and all…”

Chris rolls his eyes. “You’re exaggerating. I’m not that chaotic. Never was.”

Sarah gives him a pointed look.

“Okay, maybe a little bit.”

“Can’t say I disagree.”

“Hey, I’m trying here!” Chris smiles at her fondly and hands her a cup of coffee.

“So…you want to talk about it?”

“I…don’t know.” Chris sighs and stares out the window. It’s gotten dark out and it’s raining again. It’s a light drizzle that doesn’t even seem like rain, but gets you wet anyway.  
Sarah waits patiently as Chris tugs a chair closer and sits down.

“I…don’t know where to start.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

“What? Sarah! God, no!”

“Don’t be so offended. You were all over each other when you came in last night.”

“We were not ‘all over each other’ we were just enjoying spending some time together, thank you very much.”

“Chris… you can tell me, it’s okay. I won’t judge.”

“Seriously, there’s nothing to tell. Honestly.”

Sarah studies him carefully. “Honestly Chris? The way you both came in last night… the way you looked at him… the way he held your hand… It was so intimate.”

Chris bites his lip. It always was, wasn’t it?

His voice is quiet when he starts talking. “Nothing happened between us. I don’t know, if Sam wouldn’t have been here… I don’t know.” He sighs and takes a sip from his coffee. “He has changed, you know. I’m not sure what it is yet… maybe it’s just been too long since we saw each other.”

“But?”

“…but he’s still so familiar too, you know? I can just be with him and…be with him. I don’t have to think about what I’m going to say, how’s he going to react, we just… we work that way.”

“Did you worry? Before?”

“Yeah, I was afraid it would be awkward or that he wouldn’t get me anymore. I was scared things would be different between us.” He smiles softly. “I was also afraid things wouldn’t be different between us.”

Sarah refills both of their cups and smiles back at him.

“So you’re still you?”

“Yeah, talking to him and hanging out with him feels like… oh God, this is going to sound so cheesy, but it feels like coming home.” Chris is staring out the window again. “He feels like home.”

Sarah shakes her head. “Who are you kidding here, Chris? You’re still head over heels for him.”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, maybe this isn’t such a great idea.” He looks at Sarah again. “It’s just…”

“What?”

“It’s something Joey said. Last night at the bar.”

“I don’t understand. If there’s one guy who would support the both of you…”

“Yeah, I know, but he seemed really worried. He didn’t exactly tell me what happened, but something did and it seems Darren is still shaken up by it. I know we were a mess when we were together before, but I’ve changed, Sarah, I really have. I’ve lived, things happened to me, I’m more mature now and I just… I want to take care of him.” He stirs his latte, all forgotten about the bagel on his plate.

Sarah cocks her head to the side and smiles. “Yeah, you really do.” She stands up and gives him a hug. “You’ll be fine, Chris, really, you will.”

*

“I like it better in B-flat. So I think we’re going to keep it that way.”

Darren hums. “Okay, I would definitely keep that violin part, though. I can change the key and make it work if we cut just a little piece of the intro.”

John squeezes his shoulder. “Sounds perfect, Dare. Thank you for changing it again.”

“Hey, no problem, man, I…”

“Darren?” Lily, the assistant at the studio he’s working at, pops in her head. “You’ve got a phone call. Some guy, sounds a little hysterical, says it’s urgent.”

“Some guy?”

“Yeah, didn’t catch his name, sorry.” She holds out his phone. “Didn’t want to invade your privacy, but it kept ringing, so I answered it.”

“That’s okay.” He grabs the phone. “Hello?”

“Darren?” Chris’ voice is high pitched and out of breath and Darren’s out of his chair in no time.

“Chris? What happened? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Sam. I went to pick him up from school and he isn’t there. They can’t find him anywhere.   
I’m sorry I called you, but I’m really freaking out right now and I haven’t met a lot of people since I came back and I just…”

“Chris, it’s okay. You did good to call me. Calm down for me, okay? Breathe. Where are you?”

“I’m still at the school. I don’t know what to do, Dare, I’m really freaking out. What if someone took him?”

Darren hears Chris sobbing and he feels panic rising in his chest. “Maybe he went home by himself?”

“He wouldn’t do that. Besides, I checked with Sarah, she called the neighbors. He isn’t there.”

Darren rakes his hands through his curls and tries to calm down. “Okay, okay. Let’s think about this. He’s not at home, you can’t find him at the school. Could he have gone with someone? The mom of a friend maybe? Don’t they check these things when they see them off?”

Chris’ voice is shaky when he answers. “Normally they do, I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do, Darren.”

“It’s okay, Chris, I’ll come to you, okay? If he didn’t leave, he’s still got to be there, maybe he went to play a game and he’s hidden somewhere or he’s fallen asleep?” Darren grabs his coat while he’s talking on the phone and signals at Lily that he has to go. She obviously heard part of the conversation and ushers him out the door.

“Darren?”

“Yeah?” Darren hails a cab, but he doesn’t hang up the phone.

“Stay on the phone with me?”

“I will. I will Chris, it’s okay, we’ll find him. Don’t worry, okay? I’ll be right there.” He passes the address to the driver while Chris tells him on the phone and then he fidgets at his clothes, taps his foot, willing the driver to go faster. Traffic isn’t that horrible for once and it’s only ten minutes later when he’s running up the stairs of the entrance of the little school, only a few blocks from Chris’ house.

Chris hears him coming and when he turns at the sound of his footsteps, the look on his face makes Darren’s heart hurt. He’s with him in an instant.

“Hey, I’m here. It’s going to be okay. We’ll find him okay?” He takes Chris into a tight embrace. He’s shaking.

“They’re all looking for him right now. His teacher, the principal, some of the other parents.”

Darren rubs his thumb along the base of Chris’ neck. “We’ll find him. We will.”

Chris nods, but when he looks at Darren there’s pure panic in his eyes.

“You’re staying here in case he comes back to the classroom?”

Chris nods again.

“Okay, tell me where to look. Where would he go?”

“I don’t know. I don’t. I can’t think straight right now.”

“Chris, look at me. Where would he go?”

Darren’s soft voice seems to calm Chris down a bit.

“Uh…he seemed sad this morning. God, why didn’t I ask him about it? Well… I did, but he brushed me off and I didn’t insist. So…if he’s sad, he’s probably somewhere safe, like, I don’t know, in a closet? Under a staircase? Somewhere hidden.”

Darren frowns. That could be anywhere. He sees several people running around the school, looking for the little boy, calling out his name.

“Okay. Hold on to your phone.” He squeezes Chris’ hand and smiles at him tightly. Then he starts walking. If he would be a sad, little boy, where would he go? He avoids the obvious places. Sam wouldn’t go there and if he did, somebody would have found him already. Where would he go? Where?

He walks through the halls, trying to find a spot that would be a perfect hiding place for a five-year old boy. He passes a few classes, a kitchen and he peeks inside a storage room, but Sam’s nowhere to be seen. Then he passes a small room that is used to let the youngest kids sleep at noon when they’re really tired. It’s empty. He walks past it and almost turns the corner, but something caught his eye and he quietly returns. There’s an open closet with spare sheets and blankets. One of the blankets has Batman on it. It also lies in the closet in a weird angle. He almost missed it, there’s a load of blankets around it. He comes closer and sees the blanket move. Relief rushes through him. Thank god.

He clears his throat. “Sam?” His voice is quiet in the dark room.

The blanket moves again.

“Sam? It’s Darren. You know, daddy’s friend?”

No answer.

Darren moves a little closer. “You told me you liked Batman better than Spiderman and I do too, remember? I was just wondering, what do you think is the most special thing about Batman? Could you tell me? Like, what is the most awesome thing about him?”  
He sees the blanket move again, but there’s still no answer. He sighs. Damn, he really thought he would get him out like this. He should go and find Chris. He’s about to turn around when he hears a little voice.

“The most awesome thing?”

He quickly turns around. Sam peeks at him from in between the blankets, eyes red from crying.

Darren slowly sits down near the door and nods. “Yeah, could you tell me?”

Sam blinks a few times and then looks him straight in the eyes. “Robin.”

Darren’s surprised by that. “Robin?”

Sam crawls out of the closet, but he doesn’t come any closer. He hesitates and searches Darren’s face. Whatever he sees there puts him at ease, because suddenly he moves closer and crawls into Darren’s lap.

“The most awesome thing about Batman. It’s Robin.”

Darren holds the little boy close. “Why is that, buddy?”

“He’s a real friend.”

“He is.”

“Are you and daddy real friends?”

“Yes, we are.”

“I want to have a real friend too.” He starts sobbing and Darren holds him even closer.

“What about your friends at school, Sammy? Aren’t they real friends?”

“I don’t know them.” He keeps sobbing. “They talk weird and want to know things about me and I don’t wanna tell them.”

“Why don’t you want to tell them?”

The little boy lets out a shaky breath. “They’ll laugh at me and call me names, just like they did at home.”

“In London? They called you names? Why?”

Sam doesn’t look at him anymore.

“Hey Sam? It’s okay, you can tell me.”

“Because I have two daddies.” He mumbles and looks away.

Darren sighs. Chris is not going to like this.

“Sammy? Does daddy know? Does he know they laughed at you and called you names?”

Sam shakes his head, no. “It makes daddy sad. Don’t wanna tell him.”

“Okay Sammy, listen really carefully. Having two daddies is really awesome, okay? Especially when they’re really nice and sweet like your daddies are. Nobody should call you names for it. It’s perfectly okay, don’t let anyone ever tell you any different, okay?”

Sam crawls a little closer. “I don’t like it when they laugh at me.”

“Of course you don’t and they shouldn’t. I don’t think they will laugh at you here, though. I bet there are a few kids in this school who have two daddies or two mommies.”

“Really?”

“I think so. Either way, you don’t have to be afraid to tell these kids things about yourself. You’re awesome. I would like to be your friend.”

Sam looks up at that. “You would?”

“Of course I would. We could watch Batman together.”

“Or Ninja Turtles.”

Darren chuckles. “Or Ninja Turtles. Ninja Turtles is awesome, too, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmmm. Tell you what, little man, I’ll call your daddy right now to tell him where you are, because he was really worried about you and then we can talk some more, okay?”

“Are you going to tell him?” He looks worried and almost starts crying again.

“I think daddy deserves to know why you’re sad, don’t you?”

Sam shrugs his shoulders. “I guess.”

“You shouldn’t be afraid to let people know how you really feel, Sammy, even when you’re sad. You shouldn’t hide. There will always be someone who can make you feel better. Real friends do. Like your daddy, cause he’s a real friend too, right? Want to tell him together?”

“Okay.”

Darren takes out his phone and quickly dials Chris’ number.

“Darren?” He still sounds panicky.

“I’ve got him.”

There’s silence on the other end of the line. Darren hears Chris choking up.

“Thank god. Where?”

*


	6. Chapter 6

Chris closes the door of Sam’s room and slides onto the floor. He sighs and lets his head rest against the wall. He just needs a moment. Today was just awful. He closes his eyes and thinks about Sam, laying in Darren’s arms. When he finally found the right room and saw them sitting on the floor like that, he was so damned relieved. The look on Sam’s face threw him off, though. He looked tired and weary and oh so sad. Chris had no idea he had the feeling he couldn’t be himself around the kids in his class, the worst of it all being he was afraid to talk about it to his own father. Chris was really shaken up by that. He tries to raise Sam in an open way, they should be able to talk to one another when there’s something wrong. He never wanted to be a strict father. He understands Sam was scared to tell him because he didn’t want to hurt him. A five-year old shouldn’t have to worry like that, though. Fucking ignorant people. All these years and he still had to fight the same fight, not only for himself, but also for his son who is a walking target, just because he has a gay dad. He shakes his head. It’s just not right. He sits there for another moment, trying to calm down, then he lifts himself up and goes quietly down the stairs. He pushes the door open and Darren’s head turns immediately.

“He’s asleep?”

Chris nods. “He is.” He walks to the couch and sits down next to Darren. “He looks so peaceful in his sleep. I wonder what’s going on in that beautiful, little mind. He shouldn’t worry like that.”

Darren carefully takes his hand. “No, he shouldn’t, but thankfully, he has you as a dad and he’ll be fine. You can talk to him and make him understand. You can talk to his teacher and she can talk to the kids in his class. It’ll all be alright. He’ll be okay, Chris, you’ll see.”

Chris closes his eyes briefly. He knows Sam will be alright. He’ll take care of him, always. He’s just a little shaken up by today’s events, though and he’s so damned tired all the time.

Darren starts rubbing his wrist with his thumb and it makes Chris relax and smile at the same time. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what again?”

“Rubbing my wrist. With your thumb. You always do that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I…”

“No, don’t stop. It calms me, every time.” He sighs. “It’s your thing. Our thing.” He smiles again.

Darren smiles too and continues what he’s doing. He tugs Chris closer and they stay like that for a while, no talking. Chris looks at Darren. He just looks at him. He’s thin. Thinner than he remembers, though he smiles just the same as he always did. There’s something in his eyes though, he’s cautious. That’s what it is. It’s what has changed in Darren. It’s the sparkle in his eyes. It’s still there, but there’s something else, too.

“What are you looking at me like that for?” Darren talks so quietly, Chris almost doesn’t hear.

“I’m trying to see you. To see you.”

“Don’t you remember me?” He keeps rubbing Chris’ wrist, slowly, slowly. He looks up at him. “Don’t you remember me at all?”

Chris doesn’t answer. He can’t. He’s caught in Darren’s gaze and he can’t look away. He just can’t. He reaches out and touches Darren’s face lightly. His fingers trail a path along his jawline. He smiles.

“Your stubble. I missed it.”

Darren laughs quietly at that. “You did, huh?”

“Hmmm.”

His fingers start to wander. “Your eyes. They see me. The real me. And they’re gorgeous.”

Darren just looks at him, his expression soft.

Chris continues. “Your hair.” He tugs at the curls and Darren takes in a sharp breath. Chris   
whispers. “Beautiful.” His gaze drops and he swallows thickly. “Your lips.” He runs his thumb over Darren’s bottom lip. “Soft.”

He avoids Darren’s eyes and tries to breathe right. There’s not enough air. He keeps caressing Darren’s face and suddenly he feels something swooping in his stomach. He can’t think straight anymore. He looks at Darren’s lips again and then that’s all there is. He doesn’t even think about it. He just leans in and his lips brush Darren’s mouth ever so lightly.

Darren gasps and his eyes go wide really fast. Chris takes a deep breath and does it all over again.

“Chris, no… I…”

Chris hesitates. There’s something in Darren’s eyes, though. It’s longing. So he slowly leans back in and kisses him again, careful.

“Oh.” Darren trembles in Chris’ arms and god, he missed this so fucking much. Chris just looks at him. His shoulders are tense. He’s not sure if Darren really wants this. “Chris…” Darren can’t hide his shaking hands. A feeling of panic rises up his throat. Chris seems to sense it and he moves closer.

“Just let me…”

“No. No.” Darren sounds scared now and Chris freezes for a moment.

“You don’t want me to… I… are you with someone right now? Oh God, I’m so sorry, I…”

“No, Chris, it’s not like that. I just don’t…”

“You don’t want me to.” Chris looks down, his heart starting to beat wildly.

“Chris.” It’s just a whisper. Darren takes his hand. “I want you to, I do. I just can’t, I…”

Chris’ hands ghost along his skin. He doesn’t understand, but he’s afraid to ask. “I’ve got you, don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

Darren is tense in his arms, but when he looks at him, Chris still sees the longing in his eyes. He carefully lifts his hands again and touches his soft curls. Darren leans in to the touch and his eyes flutter.

“I…Chris…”

“Shhh. Don’t fight it. Please.” He tugs Darren even closer. “Let me take care of you. Just let me.”

Darren is still trembling, but he doesn’t protest anymore and Chris takes this as his cue to pull Darren in his lap completely.

His hands trail up and down the other man’s back and Darren has gone completely silent now, except for the quiet sounds that escape his mouth as Chris explores his body. It feels so familiar and yet so new.

“Want to make you relax. Want to make you feel so good, Dare. Let go.” He whispers sweet nothings into his ear, trying to ease his mind and slowly pulls at the hem of Darren’s shirt.  
“Off. Take it off.”

Darren’s breathing is heavy and he can’t seem to focus. His eyes are everywhere. Chris slowly opens the buttons of his shirt, but he feels Darren flinch, his heart beating wildly underneath his fingers.

“I…I…” Darren shakes his head and tenses again. He’s panting so hard it seems he’s hyperventilating and the uneasiness oozes off of him.

Chris stiffens, but he tries not to let it show. “Hey, it’s okay. Calm down, it’s okay. Shhh. Calm down now.” His hands go slow and he keeps whispering in a soothing way. “I’ll just hold you, that okay? I’ll just hold you for a while.” He leaves the shirt, but keeps rubbing Darren’s back. “Let me just hold you for a while?”

Darren nods, still not looking at Chris. They stay silent after that, holding each other tight. Chris’ mind is racing, he has no clue what’s happening here. He talks in a low voice. 

“You want to leave?”

It’s very quiet, but it’s there. “No.”

Chris leans back and carefully touches Darren’s cheek. He searches his face, but he can’t seem to read him. He lifts Darren’s chin and looks into his eyes. There’s no denying it now. His pained look says it all. He’s bruised. Chris sighs softly.

“Oh, Darren. Who hurt you like this?”

*

The next morning is still rainy and cold, but Sam somehow seems cheerful and Chris smiles at the sight of the unruly curls of his son who’s loudly singing at the breakfast table.

“You seem to feel better today.” He smiles at the little boy who’s eating his cereal, while not only singing, but also driving his toy car across the kitchen table. “Hey Sammy, no toys at the table, you know that.” 

“I’m sorry, daddy.”

“That’s okay. Put the car away and finish up, okay? I want to be at school early, so I can talk to Ms. Parker some more.”

Sam’s suddenly silent.

Chris sits next to him. “Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I just want to talk to your teacher to explain some things, so we can make sure you feel okay when you’re at school.”

Sam looks at him. “She’s not going to be mad at me?”

“Of course not, Sammy. Ms. Parker is very nice, she’ll understand. No worries, okay?”

“Daddy?”

“Hmm?”

“Darren said he wants to be my friend. He said you’re friends too. He also thinks I’m awesome! So can he? Be my friend?”

Chris smiles at that. “Of course, he can. He’s awesome too, you know.”

Sam is beaming, milk dripping down his chin.

Chris takes his empty coffee cup and rinses it. He thinks about the night before and Darren’s reaction to his touches. He flinched. He backed away, though he had that longing look in his eyes at first. What happened to him? Why did he react like that? They didn’t talk about it. He just held him until it was getting late and Darren really had to leave. The sound of an empty bowl hitting the table startles him.

“All finished, daddy!”

He ruffles through Sam’s hair. “Okay, little man, let’s go!”

He quickly sends a text to Darren, asking him if he’s okay, while he tries not to think about the wounded look in his eyes the night before. Something happened to him alright. His phone beeps and he smiles at the answer.

-All good now that I’ve heard from you. See you soon?-

Chris only thinks a few moments about his next message.

-How about coffee and pie later this afternoon? Coffee for you, sweetness for me.-

He doesn’t have to wait long for a reply.

-Some sweetness for me too? No pie though.-

Chris laughs out loud. Still as cheesy as ever.

-Where do we meet?-

“Daddy! Let’s go!” Sam’s waiting at the door, backpack ready and holding Mr. Puddles tight.

“Alright, alright, coming!” He rushes to the door and lifts Sam up to give him a hug. In spite of all the crazy, sad stuff he feels happy. He’s back in New York. He has got some great friends back in his life. He has this feeling… He grabs Sam’s hand and whispers to himself. 

“Everything’s going to be okay. It’s going to be alright.”

*

“So here we are again.”

“We are.”

“Two lonely souls and a cup of coffee.”

“We’re such a cliché.”

“We are.”

“Is it still raining outside?”

“It is.”

“Such a cliché. Lonely ánd raining.”

“Unbelievable.”

They both giggle.

Chris takes a sip of his coffee and takes a good look at Darren. He seems okay, maybe a bit tired, but okay.

“How are you?”

Darren ducks his head, but then he looks up again, smiling. “I’m fine. I’m sorry about yesterday, I…”

“No, you don’t need to explain, Darren. It’s fine.”

He sighs shakily. “Okay. Yeah. I… I need you to take things slow, okay? I… I’m really glad you’re in my life again, but I really need to go slow.”

“That’s fine by me. You just… you guide me.” He carefully takes Darren’s hand and searches his eyes. “You’ll guide me?”

“Hmmm.” Darren smiles again. “Sure.” His fingers play with the packets of sugar on the table. “Don’t leave me.” He slowly takes a sip of his coffee and breathes. “Don’t leave me again, Chris. Stay with me.”

*

“Am I early? I’m early, aren’t I?” Sarah babbles as she takes of her coat and puts it on a hanger in the closet in the hallway.

Chris furrows his brow. “Why did you even wear a coat? You live across the hall!”

“I’m nervous, okay?” Sarah smoothes her skirt and checks her make-up in the mirror.

“Oh, come on, Sarah. It’s just you, me, Alla and Adam.”

“I know! That’s exactly why!”

Chris returns to the kitchen and pours a glass of white wine. When Sarah enters, he gives it to her wordlessly.

She looks at him, takes a big sip and sighs. “Oh, God. I’m so going to ruin this!”

“No, you’re not. You’ll be just fine.”

“Why did we think it was okay to ask him for dinner again?”

“I thought it would be great to see each other again. You, me and Adam go way back and… you’re both single again, so why don’t you give this a shot? You were always great together, don’t understand why you broke up in the first place.”

Sarah shakes her head. “I’m going to be so obvious! Ugh…”

Chris rubs her back. “Hey, no, it’ll be fine. He’s an illustrator, I’m still writing… we have common interests, you know, no big deal.” He cups her cheek. “No pressure. Relax.”

“Why did you come up with this idea in the first place?”

“Well, it was Darren who reminded me, actually.”

“Oh?” She cocks her eyebrow.

“Hmm. I mentioned you living across the hall and he remembered Adam.”

“Oh, well…”

The sound of the doorbell interrupts Sarah’s thoughts.

“Oh, crap!” Sarah takes another sip of her wine while Chris rushes to open the door.

“Hey, language! Five-year old in the house!”

“Sorry!”

He opens the door and looks right into Alla’s smiling face.

“Look what I found on your doorstep.” She points behind her at a grinning Adam.

“Hey, man! It’s been so long! Great to see you again!” They hug and smile and then Chris is busy hanging up coats and pouring drinks while Sarah and Adam stare at each other, not knowing what to say.

“Hi.” Sarah smiles carefully.

“Hi.”

They keep staring.

Adam clears his throat. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Auntie Sarah!” Sam comes barging in and jumps right into Sarah’s arms.

“Hey, Sammy! Where were you hiding?”

“Power Rangers is on and I could watch, daddy said so.” There’s all kind of mischief in his eyes.

Sarah ducks down and whispers. “Did daddy forget how late it is and how many episodes you’ve already watched?”

Sam giggles. “I think so!”

She winks at the little boy. “Our little secret!”

Adam smiles. “You’re great with him.”

“Hey, what are you all mumbling about?” Chris hands Adam a drink.

“Nothing important, daddy!” Sam is giddy and happy and he shrieks when Chris starts tickling him.

“I didn’t even know you had a son, man!” Adam shakes his head. “The father thing… it suits you.”

Chris hoists Sam onto his hip and gives him a kiss. “He’s the greatest. He’s smart and funny and…”

“He keeps his daddy’s feet on the ground when he’s overwhelmed by fans…” Alla grins.

“Hey now! Yes… yes he does.” Chris laughs out loud now, putting Sam on the ground and turning to Adam. “It’s really sobering to go to the supermarket with your kid, trying to keep a clear head while he’s whining about everything and nothing or to clean up some puke when he’s gotten sick, right after you’ve been to a photo shoot or book signing, I’ll tell you that.”

Adam nods. “You’re lucky to have him.”

Sarah looks up at that. Adam and kids…really?

They have some appetizers and sit down at the table after that, Sam really happy that   
everybody seems to have forgotten about his actual bedtime.

“So, why did you come back? Did you have a job opportunity?” Adam looks at him questioningly.

“No, I… I broke up with my husband actually, we… yeah. We did. So I came back to New York.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, man.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m okay.” Chris shrugs his shoulders.

Alla nudges his arm. “How’s Sammy doing?”

Chris looks at Sam who’s playing with his cars on the carpet.

“I think he’s fine. Yeah, he is. I mean, he and David are skyping and it seems to go well and he’s doing okay at school. After that uh… stuff we had to deal with at first, he has really come around. He’s fine now. He’s making friends and he really likes his teacher.”

Alla smiles. “I’m glad, Chris.”

Adam turns to Sarah and talks to her softly.

“You’re quiet.”

She blushes. “I’m sorry. I…uhm…”

He takes her hand under the table. “That’s okay.” They smile at each other. Chris shoots Alla a look and smirks. Oh, he’s so going to tease Sarah about this later.

*


	7. Chapter 7

“I wanna go to the zoo, daddy!”

“I know, sweetie, but there’s not enough time. It’s already four and when we go to the zoo, we want to take our time, right? There’s no staying up late tonight, grandma and grandpa are going to be here early tomorrow morning. How about we go to…”

“…but I really, really want to go to the zoo, please, please, daddy? Mr Puddles wants to go too.” Sam shows Chris his little stuffed bunny, holding it with one ear. It keeps dangling right in front of Chris’ face.

“Sammy, …”

There’s knocking at the door and Chris sighs. “Just a minute, buddy.”  
When he opens the door and sees Darren standing in the hallway, the joy in his eyes makes his face light up.

“Hi.” Darren’s smile is frail and it strikes Chris again how much he has changed. He seems so much more careful now.

“Hey, come in. Maybe you can help us out here.” He grabs Darren’s hand and tugs him inside.

“Oh?”

Sam peeks around the corner. “Darren!” He comes running and jumps into Darren’s arms.

“Whoa, hi there, Sam.” He looks at Chris and cocks one eyebrow. Chris just shrugs. Sam is very particular about the people he likes, but when he does like them, he gives it his all and Darren, well… what’s not to love?

Sam takes Mr. Puddles’ ear and caresses Darren’s face with it. 

“Mr. Puddles wants to go to the zoo.”

“Okay?” Darren looks at Chris.

“I was just explaining that it’s too late to go to the zoo. Grandma and grandpa are picking Sam up early tomorrow morning to take him out for the day.”

“Oh, that’s great, Sammy, you’ll have the whole day with grandma and grandpa? I bet you’ll have a wonderful time!” Darren grabs the little boy and holds him upside down. Sam giggles, but tries to keep pouting anyway. 

“But I really, really want to go to the zoo.”

“Tell you what, sweetie, how about we go to the carousel in the park and we stop for ice cream on the way home?” Chris tries to compromise. Sam seems to think about it.

“How many scoops do I get?”

Chris rolls his eyes. “Two scoops and you can get whatever flavor you want.”

Sam bites his lip now. He’s still in Darren’s arms. 

“Can Darren come?”

Chris steps a little closer and takes Darren’s hand. “You want to?”

“It’s no trouble?”

“Of course not, you heard the little man. He wants you to come.”

Darren glows. “I’d love to’!”

“Yay!” Sam jumps onto the floor, still holding Mr. Puddles tight. “Can I bring my backpack, daddy?”

“Sure you can.”

“Yay, I want to bring Captain America, too!” Sam rushes to his room.

“Hey Sammy, no toys in your backpack, you’ll only end up losing them!” Chris shakes his head as Darren laughs at him.

“So, you’re home alone then, tomorrow?”

Chris nods. “Yes I am.”

Darren looks at the floor and shoves his hands in his pockets. He clears his throat. 

“You want to… uhm, you want to have breakfast together?”

“Breakfast?”

Darren shrugs. “I’ll have to go to the studio all week next week, but I’m free tomorrow, so…”

Chris moves closer and smoothes out Darren’s shirt . “I’d like that.”

They take Sam to the park and he gets to choose his two flavors of ice cream. While Sam is all wrapped up in counting the little specks of candy on top, Chris and Darren stroll behind him, enjoying an ice cream cone of their own.

Chris really wants to reach out to Darren, it’s a need, slowly burning beneath his skin, but he doesn’t. He can still see Darren’s face when he touched him the other night, terrified. He’s cautious now and very aware of the connection between them. Darren seems alright though, he’s relaxed, walking besides Chris, one hand in his pocket. His eyes are soft when he talks to Sam and his walls seem down. He’s loose and relaxed and laughter bubbles out of him every time Sam does a funny face.

Chris walks a little closer and slides his fingers into Darren’s hand. His eyebrows shoot up and he quickly looks at Sam. Chris whispers. “Don’t worry. It’s okay.”

Darren bites his lip and grips Chris’ hand a little tighter. Then he smiles at the ground. “This is really nice.”

Chris looks at him intently. He seems so tired.

“Darren?”

“Hmm?”

“When is the last time you had a good night’s sleep?”

“Oh. Uhm… I don’t, I…”

“What?” Chris chuckles. “You don’t sleep?”

Darren looks down again. “I have trouble sleeping.” His voice is quiet.

Chris’ smile falters. He squeezes his hand. “Why?”

“I…” He shakes his head. “I get restless. Anxious.” He glances at Chris. “Sometimes nightmares.”

Chris feels a heavy weight in his heart, but he tries not to let it show. “How come?”

Darren concentrates on the trees beside the road. The leaves are rustling in the wind. “Things happened. They scared the shit out of me. They changed me. I know you noticed, Chris. I’ve seen you looking at me and wonder. You saw what happened the other night. You saw me freak out. You came close to me and I can’t have that. I can’t have people getting that close to me without being scared out of my mind.” His voice trembles. “I can’t help it.”

“Can you tell me about it?”

“I want to.” His shoulders are tense. “Not right now, though.” He looks at Sam who’s skipping a little further on the path, his backpack bumping along with him.

Chris understands. “Tomorrow. We can talk during breakfast?”

Darren finally smiles at him. “You still want to do this?”

“Darren, I know you’re being careful here, because of our history and obviously because of other stuff too, but I hope that I made it very clear that I want you in my life.” Chris squeezes his hand again. “I’m not going to run away again. I won’t. I’m here and I’m listening. I hear you. Okay? I see you and I’m aware that we both had our share of problems during the years we were apart. We’re going to have to work on this. I realize that. I’m willing to do it. I’m willing to fight. I’m willing to wait.” He stops walking and tugs at Darren’s hand. “I’m willing to do all that it takes. I want you back, Dare.” His voice is rough. “I still love you. I want you back and I want to make it work this time.”

Darren doesn’t say anything, his expression unreadable.

“Maybe it’s a little bold or too forward to just blurt it out like this, but we’re not teenagers anymore, Dare. We’re grown men and I don’t know about you, but I’m done wasting time playing games or being cautious or whatever. I don’t want to lose you or waste my chance with you, because I wasn’t clear enough. This thing between us? It never went away, it’s still there and it’s tugging at my insides, trying to break free. I want you. I still want you after all these years. I want you all the fucking time.” 

Chris looks away, his emotions getting the better of him. “If that’s not what you want, then that’s okay and I’ll be the best friend you could ever imagine, but if there’s a chance you still want me too, then I want us to grab it. I want us to work for it, I know it’s not going to be easy.” His shoulders slump. “It won’t be easy, but I still want to do this, because I think you’re worth it and also because I can’t not try. I just have to. It’s that hard to be apart from you.” 

He shuffles his feet and continues quietly. “Wow, I really didn’t plan this way too long and way too earnest speech in the middle of a park on a Saturday afternoon.”

Darren’s hand creeps up his shoulder and brushes his jaw. “I… don’t know what to say. I… you know how I feel about you, Chris. That hasn’t changed.” 

Chris smells Darren’s shampoo and a hint of aftershave and suddenly he feels overwhelmed. He whispers. “I miss you so much lately. I just want to take you home and keep you close. I want to hold you. All the time. How crazy is that?”

Darren steps closer and opens his mouth to say something, but Sam comes running to them and throws his little arms around their legs. 

“Daddy! Darren! I want cuddles, too!”

Darren smiles at the little boy. His fingers quickly brush over Chris’ temple and when he looks at him, there’s so much he just can’t say. He ducks down to grab Sam and tickles him. “You know what? I think your Daddy’s getting hungry. How about we go home and make him something to eat? I make some mean pancakes.”

Sam’s eyes go wide. “Pancakes? I already had ice cream! And it’s not even morning!”

Darren shrugs. “Pancakes are delicious any time of the day.” He looks at Chris. He nods.

“Pancakes it is!”

*

“So, he’s going to seduce you with some fresh-brewed coffee, orange juice and the morning paper, hmmm?”

Chris stays quiet.

“Hey.” Sarah touches his arm lightly. “What’s wrong?”

He spreads his hands and looks at them intently. “We’re going to talk.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. What if I can’t handle this, Sarah? I don’t know what happened, obviously, but I’ve got a feeling like this dark cloud is coming towards me and it’s scaring me. It just scares me. He’s so different, quiet and … I don’t know.”

“You’ll be fine, Chris. Just listen to what he’s got to say.”

He sighs. “And then what? I can’t even touch him to comfort him, to let him know I’m there. He won’t let me.”

“You’ll figure it out. Just listen. Be there for him. You’ll know what to do.”

“I don’t want to mess up, Sarah. I don’t want to scare him off.”

“You won’t, sweetie.”

Chris slowly drinks his tea. He’s not so sure.

*

Darren’s hands shake as he pours the coffee.

“Hey.” Chris tries to get his attention. “Darren?” He slowly puts his hand on top of Darren’s. “Hey. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. If you’re not up for it. You don’t have to. I’ll understand.”

Darren puts the cup down and sinks in his chair. “I know, but I… I want to, Chris, I have to. We can’t go on like this. I have to.” His eyes are restless again, scanning the room like something bad is going to happen any minute now.

“Darren, I don’t care. We can talk later, today, tomorrow, next week, I don’t care. I want you to feel at ease.”

“I won’t. I won’t feel at ease, not ever. Not when it comes to this.” He closes his eyes for a few seconds and sips his coffee. He stays quiet for a long time and Chris just lets him. Then he starts to talk.

“It wasn’t bad at first. It wasn’t. We met at a concert. He was cute. Funny. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship, because…” He glances at Chris. “well, I wasn’t, but he was easy to talk to and we went out for a drink the day after. We could talk, like… really talk, you know? It was nice. We had a few dates and before I knew it, we were together. I remember thinking: this is just a casual thing, temporary, we’re just having a good time. I even wanted to break it off at some point, but… I don’t know. It was easy, we were having fun. Six months later he asked me to move in together and… you know, by that time I realized love is a messy thing. It’s not like you see in the movies: falling head over heels and be happy forever and ever, but he loved me. I thought: maybe this is it. Maybe it just doesn’t get any better and if I don’t grab my chance now, I’ll never have it again. I was afraid, I know that now.”

Chris frowns. He asks quietly. “What were you afraid of?”

Darren takes a deep breath. “To be alone, I guess. To not have someone to love.” He averts his eyes. “It’s not that I didn’t love him. I did. Not like…” A quick glance at Chris again. “Well, I guess there are different kinds of love. I didn’t even notice when things started to change. It happened so slowly. He was manipulative, controlling. He wasn’t supportive, not in the slightest. He made all these comments about me. About my clothes, my hair, the way I acted, things I should do and things I shouldn’t do. It wore me down.”

Chris sips his coffee and looks at Darren. He really is tired, inside and out. He can see it now. Darren rakes his hands through his hair.

“I kind of lost my self-confidence, you know? I was never good enough, no matter how I tried and I tried. I really did.” He sighs, his fingers nudging his coffee cup. “I should have left him as soon as I noticed these things. I know that now, but looking back… it’s different. You can’t see as clearly when you’re right in the middle of it.” He shrugs. “I was trying too hard. In the end, I didn’t even recognize myself. I kind of lost myself, trying to be this other person. A better person.” His voice wavers.

Chris swallows hard, but he doesn’t comment.

“He never hit me.” Darren continues. “He was rough though, when we… when I…” He turns his head and looks out the window. “You know I don’t have any problems with my sexuality. I never did. I like sex. It’s only natural.” He shrugs and keeps looking in the same direction. “I can’t do it just like that, though. It has to feel right.”

Chris sits very still. He doesn’t dare to move. The air is heavy with all the things that are not being said yet, but he knows it’s coming and he feels slightly nauseous.

Darren turns his head back to the table and looks down. He brushes his hand across his face and Chris can see the tears falling. It makes his heart hurt. “Alex, he…” Darren frantically wipes his face again. “He made me.”

Chris closes his eyes. He can’t look at Darren, not right now. This hurts too much. His throat is soar, trying to swallow down his emotions. Darren is quiet for a moment. Then he goes on.

“It took me some time to leave. I thought it would get better. I wanted to make it better, but I couldn’t. It just…” He makes a faint gesture. “It just got worse.” He takes a shaky breath again. “It got to the point where I was scared to go to sleep.” He looks at Chris now. “I was afraid to go to sleep, Chris. That was the moment I realized I had to get out. I had to get out of that relationship, it was destroying me.”

He stays quiet after that.

Chris clears his throat. “I’m so glad you did.”

Darren nods. His hands are trembling. “Now I’m even more scared though. I’m scared that…” He stops talking for a minute, then his shoulders slump. “I’m afraid.”

Chris doesn’t understand. “…why?” He takes Darren’s hand and leans closer. “You got out. You’re safe now. What are you afraid of?”

Darren clutches his coffee cup real tight and stares at the cracks in his old wooden kitchen table. 

“That I’ll never know nothing of love.” He starts sobbing, hard sobs that make his body shake. “I had it once and I lost it and now I’m scared that I’ll never know nothing of love.”

Chris is with him in an instant. “Oh sweetie.” He takes him into his arms, boundaries all out of the window right now. “That wasn’t love, Darren. You didn’t lose it. You’re relationship with Alex? That wasn’t love.”

Darren keeps crying. He fights for air and when he looks up at Chris their eyes lock. “I wasn’t talking about him.”

“Oh.” Chris feels his heart racing. He leans forward until their foreheads touch and he tries to keep breathing. Oh. For once, he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to say at all.

*

They don’t talk much after that. Darren is exhausted, the conversation drained him emotionally, so Chris takes his hand and leads him to the couch. He sits down and tugs Darren with him. 

“Come here.” He hugs him tight, not caring about being careful. He just wants to hold him. Be there for him. Darren doesn’t seem to mind though, he’s quiet and his movements are a bit sluggish as if he’s so tired he could fall asleep any moment now.

“I’m glad you told me.” Chris mumbles quietly. “I wish I could have been there for you. I wish…”

“It’s okay, Chris. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have helped me.” He shivers.

“Hey, are you cold?”

“I don’t feel so well.”

“You want me to run you a bath? Warm you up a little?” Chris is worried, Darren is pale. He looks as if he’s about to pass out.

Darren shakes his head. “Too tired.”

“Want to get some sleep? You can go back to bed, you know. I’ll stay here if you want me to.”

“No, I don’t want to be alone, Chris. I just… hold me? For a little while? Just for a little while. Please.”

“Okay. Okay, then.” Chris tugs Darren closer. “Come on, lay down for a bit.”

Darren lets his head sink down, his eyes drooping. His body doesn’t stop shivering, though.

“Wait a minute, Dare. Here, take my hoodie. God, you’re trembling.” He pulls Darren up and helps him. Darren’s arms seem heavy and his body is slow, tired.

“I don’t feel so good, Chris.”

“I know, I know. It’s okay, you’re fine. It’s the emotion, you’re stressed out, you’ll be fine.” Chris keeps babbling to hide his anguish. He’s shaken up by this conversation and Darren’s pale face is freaking him out. “Come on, lay your head in my lap. I’ll hold you.” He brushes away some stray curls from Darren’s forehead and whispers. “You’ll be fine, sweetie, you’ll be okay. Just close your eyes. Sleep for a bit.”

Darren clutches his hand.

“Relax, Dare. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here with you. Just let go for a while, I’m here. I’ll take care of you. You’re safe.”

He keeps caressing Darren’s face as he sighs into it. His features soften and he feels his body give in to the tiredness. Five minutes later, he’s sound asleep.

Chris keeps watching him, his fingers shaking, trying to keep his emotions at bay. 

“Oh baby. I wish I could make this all go away.” He goes quiet when Darren stirs in his sleep and he tries to gather his thoughts. There’s only one thing on his mind, though.

“I love you, Dare.” His voice is rough and his chest somehow hurts. “Fuck, I love you.”

*

The day rushes past, although they end up doing almost nothing. Darren sleeps for a few hours and when he wakes he still looks like he didn’t get any rest in weeks. Chris urges him to take a hot shower so he won’t feel as cold anymore and quickly goes to the store to grab some food. When Darren enters the living room, eyes tired but a slightly healthier color on his cheeks, Chris can’t help but draw him close and hold him tight.

“You’re warmer now?” He feels Darren nodding against his cheek.

“Yeah. Can I keep your hoodie for today?” He looks up to Chris and there’s a hint of a smile. “It’s soft, I… it helps.”

“Okay. Anything to make you feel better.” He pulls Darren’s sleeve. “Darren? Anything.” Chris has the feeling he has to do more, be more, but he can’t do anything but be there.

“Thank you.” Darren wraps his arms around himself.

“Come on, sleepyhead. I went to the store to buy us some lunch. Take a seat. There’s salad. I’ll make you some tea. There’s bread and cheese, too.”

“Chris?” Darren carefully takes his hand. “I’m glad I told you. I wanted you to know.”

Chris lifts both their hands and presses a light kiss on Darren’s knuckles. “Green tea?” He can’t talk about it now. He’s too overwhelmed.

They eat in comfortable silence, occasionally brushing hands or bumping shoulders. It’s only when they’ve finished and the dishes is cleared that Chris speaks again.

“Darren?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you leave him? I mean, why did it take you so long?”

Darren swallows audibly and sighs. “Leaving him was the hardest thing.”

Chris doesn’t understand. He hesitates. “Why? He hurt you.”

“I know. Still, it was the hardest thing. I can’t explain. Like I said: I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it better, to make it work.”

“It didn’t.”

“No. It didn’t.”

Chris leans against the kitchen counter, thinking about what to say next. “So… that’s why you freaked out when I wanted to touch you?”

“Yes.”

“When did this all happen?”

“Three years ago.”

Chris’ eyes go wide. “Three years? What about…boyfriends?”

Darren shakes his head. “I didn’t have any after… after that.”

“You didn’t have a relationship in three years?”

Darren shakes his head again.

“Did you hook up?”

“No.”

“One night stand?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

Darren shrugs his shoulders. “You saw my reaction. A one night stand was out of the question. I needed someone that would take things slow.”

“And you never met someone like that?”

Darren refuses to meet his eyes now. “Maybe now and then, but I guess there was no one I wanted to try it with.”

Chris moves closer to the table and takes Darren’s hand mindfully.

“Would you try with me?”

Darren averts his eyes so Chris won’t see him choking up. He only nods. Chris grabs his chin and turns his head so he can look him in the eye. He whispers. “Dare, would you try with me?”

Darren closes his eyes and tries not to be ashamed of his tears. Then he looks at Chris and he sees. He sees the tenderness in his eyes. There’s only honesty now.

“Yes I would.”

*


	8. Chapter 8

“Daddy, Ms Parker said next week Monday is career day.”

Chris is typing away on his laptop, trying to hold on to the words tumbling all over each other in his head and putting them on paper.

“Uh huh?”

“We can bring somebody to class to talk about their job.” Sam jumps up and down the couch. 

“I said I wanted to bring someone, because he’s awesome and nice and really interesting.”

Chris keeps typing some more and then turns his chair around with a smile.

“What time do I need to be there buddy?”

Sam cocks his head to the side. “Can I ask Darren?”

Chris raises his eyebrows. “Oh. Sure you can.” He leaps forward. “You know, for a minute there, I thought you wanted to bring your awesome, nice and interesting dad!” He starts tickling and Sam falls down the couch shrieking.

“No! Stop! Stop it Daddy! You can come if you want to, you can!” He tries to get up but falls right over again, laughing.

Chris sits back and smiles. “No, ask Darren, Sammy, he’ll love to do it.”

“Can I call him?”

“How about we go to his place and ask him in person?”

Sam is already racing at the door. “Oh, can we bring the cookies we baked earlier, daddy? Darren doesn’t like cupcakes, but he does like the chocolate chip ones, he telled me so.”

Chris shuts down his laptop and walks into the kitchen. “He told you so, huh? Already on it!”  
He puts the cookies in a jar and leaves one out to take a bite from. Then he dials Darren’s number and they talk for a bit before Sam and Chris head out.

When they get to Darren’s place Sam is bouncing up and down with excitement. He runs inside when Darren opens the door, rambling all the way to the living room.  
Darren takes Chris’ hand while watching Sam with an amused smile. 

“Well, there’s an excited puppy!”

Chris steps closer and nuzzles Darren’s neck. He can’t help it, he wanted to touch him for weeks now. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

Darren’s easy smile makes his heart leap.

“For helping us out. For being so nice to Sam, for…”

“I didn’t even do anything.” Darren’s hand comes up to the base of his neck and stays there, warm and solid. Chris closes his eyes for a second and sighs.

“Yes, you did, Dare. You’ve become important to him, you know, to Sammy. Helping him out with things for school, talking to him about stuff,… He really likes you.”

“Well, he’s kind of amazing, so…”

They just stand there, in the hallway, smiling at each other. Chris thinks back about that first night, months ago, when they finally met again, after so many years. It wasn’t really awkward, but it was emotional and all kinds of weird. They’re in a different place now and he’s happy about it.

Darren tangles their fingers together. “Come on, I’ve got pizza and a movie.”

“Hey, Dare?”

He turns around and his eyes are gentle when he looks at him. “What?”

“Stay close tonight? I really want to…uh…” Chris feels the heat creeping up his cheeks and looks down.

Darren puts his arm around his waist and tugs him closer. “Yeah...me too.”

They find Sammy on the couch, impatiently waiting for the movie to begin, all forgotten about his assignment for school.

Darren plops down on the couch next to him. “Come on, guys, it’s cold out, let’s cuddle!”  
He takes Sam into a bear hug and laughs out loud as the little boy squeaks.  
“Hey Sam? You got the movie?”

Sammy lifts the dvd.

Darren grins. “Okay, check. Did I put the pizza in the oven?”

The little boy starts to giggle. “Check!”

Darren lifts his finger and whispers. “Where is Mr. Puddles?”  
The little bunny appears on the couch besides Sam as if it were true magic. 

“Check!”

“Just need to drag your daddy a little closer so we can snuggle and then we’re good to go!” Darren winks at Sam and holds out his arms to Chris, who shakes his head, smiling. Then he goes, willingly and Darren murmurs “Check” before starting the movie.

 

*

“He’s adorable.”

Chris agrees. “He really is.”

Sam has fallen asleep on the couch, holding Mr. Puddles close. His cheeks are rosy and he still clutches the dvd in his hand.

“I should get him into the car.”

“Chris, no, I… I mean, it would be a shame to wake him up. You can stay here, I’ve got a guest room, just… just stay.” Darren’s voice only slightly trembles when he says it again. “Stay.”

Chris doesn’t even try to refuse.

They put Sam to bed in the guest room and return to the couch, the room all of a sudden gone quiet and dark. Darren turns on a table lamp and the soft glow seems to light more than just the dark corners of the room.

Suddenly there’s nothing left to say. Darren stares at Chris, not speaking at all, no words disguising what he really feels. His gaze is intense, the emotions raw and easily readable on his face. It makes Chris’ heart beat wildly in his chest. He watches Darren: his unruly curls, his stubble, his elegant hands and world weary eyes and he wants. He wants so badly.

“Touch me.” Darren’s voice is rough and low and Chris can feel the shivers all the way to his bones. He hesitates. Darren closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Touch me, Chris.” He looks up again. “Touch me. Please.”

Chris moves closer, but he doesn’t know how to start this. He looks at Darren and he feels so much. His hands lay useless in his lap. He’s afraid to touch. Darren takes his hand and guides his fingers to his mouth.

“Touch me. Please.”

His lips are dry and he sweeps his tongue across them, brushing Chris’ fingers.

“God, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me if you don’t really want me.” Chris shakes his head and tries to control his breathing. His fingers slowly move along Darren’s lips. “I’m in so deep, Dare, I’m so gone. I give you my all, it’s right here, right in front of you. I’m right here.” His breath hitches and he just can’t shake it off. “I never thought…” He shakes his head. “I never wanted to give into…this.” His other hands comes up to Darren’s face and grazes his stubble. “You and me. It’s craziness. Always was. I never wanted to give into this. Not like this. We were always in too deep. Always, always.”

Darren grabs his shirt and tugs him closer, closer. Chris tries to concentrate on what he wants to say, but Darren beats him to it.

“It’s been years and I still can’t breathe without you, Chris. I just can’t breathe without you. Please don’t step on my heart. Not this time. If you decide to leave me, there won’t be anything left of me.”

Their eyes lock and there’s electricity crackling between them. Chris feels the urgency to touch, to kiss, to fucking bite right now. He yanks at Darren’s shirt and crashes their mouths together. He knows this is not the way to go. He should be gentle and caring and god knows he should take it slow, but he can’t. He can’t do anything but slam their bodies together. His heart is racing and he can sense Darren’s body heat making him feel like he’s on fire. He’s scared and he’s desperate and he can’t hold back any longer.

Suddenly Chris grabs Darren’s hair and yanks his head back. He’s out of breath and his eyes are wild.

“You.” He swallows and searches Darren’s face. Then he lets out a sob and clutches Darren’s shirt so tight the fabric almost tears. Both their chests are heaving and Chris feels dizzy with anticipation.

“You ground me.” Chris doesn’t loosen his grip. His voice is hoarse. “Damn you, Darren. You’re my highest high and my deepest low, but fuck I just can’t walk away from you. You ground me.”

He stares at Darren for five more seconds, but then he finally decides to just give in. It’s all he could ever do.

*

“Keep breathing, sweetie.” Chris kisses down Darren’s neck and lets his lips hover for a minute before softly biting down his pulse point. 

“Oh.” Darren’s panting. Hard.

“You okay?” 

“I...yeah.”

“Relax, Dare, you’re fine.” Chris’ warm breath ghosts over Darren’s skin and the only thing breaking the quiet of the dim-lit room are his careful whispers.

“You’re fine, you are. Don’t worry.”

They’ve slowed down now, movements more careful, kisses less urgent. It doesn’t make it any less intense, though. Chris is remembering. He’s remembering all the times they’ve done this before. They were always passionate, their touches biting and burning. Not like this though, not ever like this. He feels like he’s mapping out Darren’s body, exploring every inch, every muscle. Chris’ fingers are trembling, because his body knows what his mind is trying to forget. He’s trying, trying so hard to keep his shit together and focusing on keeping a clear mind so he can do what he’s determined to do: put Darren at ease. Making him comfortable in his own skin again. Not make him flinch at every touch. He’s careful, so careful. He hears every sigh, hitch or drawn-in breath. He’s alert like he’s never been before and that’s why he feels Darren tense up when his lips brush his chest. He feels his heart beating like crazy when he tries to touch. He feels like he’s intruding, but he knows it has to be done, so he continues, trying to be as gentle as he can. He feels like he’s taking him apart. He tries to put him back together.

 

*

 

“Eat your cereal, Sammy. Do you want me to get you some fruit too?”

“I want to taste Darren’s. He’s got strawberries, they’re yummy.” Sam glances at Darren’s plate.

“No, Sam, you can’t…”

“Chris,” Darren grabs his hand. “It’s fine.” He wiggles his eyebrows at Sam. “You want to sit with me, buddy? You can taste some blueberries, too.”

Sam quickly nods, hurries over to Darren’s side and crawls into his lap. He rubs the palm of his hand along Darren’s cheeks. “You’re beardy.” He giggles. “It’s funny.”

Chris chuckles. “I’m pretty sure beardy is not even a word.”

Sam giggles again. He glances at Chris and whispers in Darren’s ear. “Beardy.”

Darren just shakes his head, laughing. He looks at Chris. “Well, I am kind of scruffy.”

“You are.” Chris looks at him and his eyes go soft. He thinks about the night before and warmth spreads in his chest. Eventually, they didn’t get to do much. It wasn’t that spectacular, but it was special to him, to them. He thinks about undressing Darren, layer by layer, until there was nothing left other than his heated, naked skin against him. He was skittish and vulnerable and oh so beautiful, trying to overcome his anxiety. Chris just kissed, caressed and whispered softly until Darren’s heart stopped racing and he felt him melting underneath him. 

“Chris?”

“Huh?” 

Darren snickers. “You still with us?”

“Oh. Yeah.” He blinks and looks at the carpet where Sam is playing with Captain America, breakfast all finished.

He feels Darren’s hand at the back of his neck, solid and warm.

“What are you thinking?”

Chris ducks his head, but he can’t hide the tentative smile that creeps up on him.

“Touch.” He looks up at Darren. “Me touching you.”

Darren pulls him closer. “I want more of that.”

“Hmmm.” Chris leans closer until their foreheads bump. There’s that feeling again, the feeling like he wants to crawl in Darren’s lap and stay there forever. “You okay, though? I mean…are you?” He fumbles with his napkin.

“Chris, look at me.”

Darren’s fingers are still warm on his tingling skin.

“I’m not afraid of this, you and me. Not anymore.”

Chris thinks about holding Darren in the dead of night, his bedroom more silent than it ever was, listening to him breathing, hoping he wouldn’t start screaming again, lost in one of his nightmares. He thinks about his shaky fingers, trembling as he caressed Darren's tentative skin and he tries to stave off the feeling of holding a man’s whole world in his hands. “Well, maybe I am.”

Darren tightens his grip, his gaze steady and warm. “Don’t be, baby. Don’t be.”

When Chris feels his throat closing up, he blames the terrible winter weather. He spends the rest of the day cuddled up to Darren and Sam, sipping tea under a blanket. Just in case.

*


	9. Chapter 9

“I told him we’d meet him inside, he should be around the bar somewhere.”

“How are we even going to find him, Chris? It’s crazy in there!” Sarah stares at the horde of people that gathered outside, trying to get in.

“Well, it is opening night, but we’re on the list, we can cut the line, come on.” Chris takes her hand and they make their way through the crowd together.

“Why are you going to the opening of a club anyway? You hate crowds!”

“I told you, it’s a friend of Darren’s and I need my best friend to get me inside and back me up in case one of these crazy people crushes me on the way over.”

“Why didn’t you go with Darren?”

“He had a business meeting until late, so I didn’t know when he’d get here. Stop nagging, will you, this is supposed to be fun!”

Sarah rolls her eyes at him. “Since when do you call getting crushed at an opening party ‘fun’? Well, I can’t help you with the whole ‘finding-Darren-part’ as I can’t see a damn thing right now and you’re almost twice my size so you’re going to have to do the searching.”

They get inside and immediately get hit by a wall of sound. Lights are flashing and beats are pumping and Chris already feels a little anxious. He promised Darren he would come, though, so he needs to show his face at least.  
He holds on tight to Sarah’s hand and starts making his way to the bar. People are bumping into them constantly and he tries to keep his cool and to not have an anxiety attack. Suddenly Sarah tugs at his hand and points somewhere in the mass of people. He sees black curls and honey eyes and he feels relief flooding him. Darren. His smile is instant, but it falls short as he sees the look on Darren’s face. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Chris tries to get his attention and calls out for him, waving, while he feels Sarah pressing into him. Darren turns to look at him but his eyes are filled with fear and he shakes his head while he walks backward, away from them. 

“Darren!” Chris keeps calling him and he feels his throat go raw. He tries to push some people aside to get to Darren and he can almost grab him, but then somebody pushes in between them and suddenly he’s gone. The lights in the club keep flashing and it confuses him while he searches the crowd for a familiar face. Chris turns around and sees a guy grinning at him, looking at him like he knows him. He comes closer and shouts in his ear.

“You must be Chris, nice to meet you!”

Chris furrows his brow.

The guy keeps grinning and leans in again. “I guess you don’t know me. Hi. I’m Alex!”

 

*

Darren is cold. He’s shaking. He’s shaking head to toe, all the way down to his soul. He thinks about Alex and he shivers. Then he thinks about Chris and he’s panicking.

_Am I broken? Am I lost to the world? Me. Alone. Am I wasted? Just wasted space, filling in the blanks no one else can see? And if I was, would you pick me? Would you pick me up, don’t let me fall, be with me even if I’m no man’s land, abandoned, empty. Tell me. Would you pick me? Not just now but always, always. Would you dance with me? Sing? Would you read to me? Say you would. Please. I just… please. Say you would.  
Would you love me? Would you?_

He doesn’t think Chris would. He probably won’t. Chris won’t love him anymore once he knows what a mess Darren has become. Alex took one look at him and there was nothing left of him. Nothing. He doesn’t deserve Chris. He’s not worthy. He’s nobody. Nothing.

 

*

“Come on. Pick up.” Chris is pacing, tapping his phone, biting his nails. “Pick up, baby, please.”

He clutches his phone until his fingers go white.

“Chris.” Sarah tries to take his phone, but he won’t let her. “Chris, sweetie, give me the phone.”

“I can’t.” Tears are blurring his vision so much he almost can’t see the screen. “I have to talk to Darren.”

“Chris.” Sarah’s voice is soft. “You’ve called him all night. You left him messages. You’ve sent him texts. If he wanted to talk to you, he would’ve by now.”

He feels his body shaking and when the tremors reach his hand, the phone falls down. He looks at her and his mind goes blank. He can’t breathe. He wraps his arms around himself, trying to hold himself together while he gasps for air. Sarah grabs him and holds him tight. Chris feels his chest heaving while he tries to get the words out. 

“He’s probably panicking right now, he needs someone to be there with him, for him. That’s me. That’s…” He starts sobbing. “That’s me, Sarah.”

She bites her lip, trying to keep her own emotions at bay. “I know, honey, I know, but right now? There’s nothing we can do. You can’t do a damn thing if you don’t know where he is.”

Chris turns to her and she cringes at the look in his eyes. 

“Why won’t he talk to me?” He shakes his head. “Why?”

She takes his hand and squeezes. “I don’t know, Chris.” She sighs. “I don’t know. Please. Let me take you home.”

His shoulders slump and finally, after hours of anxiousness and worrying, the energy seems to be seeping right out of him. He nods. He feels defeated. He feels like something slipped away from him right then and there.

He doesn’t hear from Darren that night. He doesn’t hear from him the next day or the next week. He goes to his house and bangs on his door. He tries to get by Joey, but he doesn’t budge. He sends dozens of messages and calls Darren every night. 

Nothing.

*

One week later Chris has had enough. He doesn’t sleep. He hardly eats. He can’t concentrate on work. He’s a mess. He’s ready for some desperate measures.

Joey has no clue Chris has been waiting for him outside the restaurant for about an hour by now. He’s called in some favors here and there to find out about Joey’s whereabouts. It wasn’t that difficult, really. In another life, he definitely should have been a detective. Finding out where Joey was going, who he would be with and what he was doing without him knowing? Totally nailed it. Chris is freezing, rubbing his hands to stay warm. He’s got a runny nose and his feet are killing him, but he won’t back down. He’s got to talk to Joey. Tonight. Ten minutes later, he’s finally leaving. Chris is at the door in an instant.

“Joe.”

He looks up and sighs, not even a bit surprised to see him standing there.

“Come on. Let’s get you somewhere warm.” He starts walking without looking back and Chris just follows. Joey enters the diner at the corner and takes a seat, not saying one word. When Chris sits across from him, he looks at him intently.

“So, talk.”

Chris swallows. He never liked to admit his defeat.

“I have to talk to him, Joey.”

Silence. Chris fidgets with his gloves. Then he goes really quiet.

“I’m a mess without him.”

Joey drinks his pitch black coffee. Then he clears his throat.

“You said you would let him be. If you couldn’t work it out, you would let him be.”

Chris cringes.

“I can’t.” He shakes his head. “I can’t let him be. He’s…” Chris makes a faint gesture in the air and sighs in defeat.

Joey’s look is cold and hostile as he stares at him. “What did you do to him, man?”

Chris’ heart stutters. “Me? I didn’t do a damn thing!”

“Don’t give me this crap, Chris. Why did you hurt him?” 

“Hurt him? What do you mean? I love him. I love everything about him.” He looks outside the window, only to see his reflection melt together with the dark, moonlit sky. He presses his nails into the palm of his hand to keep from crying. He won’t cry in public. He won’t. God, his throat hurts. He whispers.

“I love everything about him, Joe. I love the way he squints his eyes when he laughs. I love his careful smile, the one he didn’t used to have, but it’s there now and it’s beautiful. I love how he gets lost in writing his music and how he gets impatient and insecure and mad about it when it doesn’t go the way he wants to, but he always comes back to it and tries again until he gets it right and in the end it always ends up magical. I love his voice and the way it makes my heart sing. I love his scruff and I love his old worn t-shirts that even have holes in them, but he still won’t toss them. I love his beanies and his jackets and those red pants he’s had for years and years. I love how he loves free stuff and really appreciates it, while he has enough money to buy it all.” Chris keeps on talking, thoughts miles away by now. Joey looks at him with a confused expression on his face.

“I love his dedication to his fans and his loyalty to friends and family and people who mattered to him at a particular point in his life. I love the way he wears his heart on his sleeve, even if he knows it could easily hurt him, he still goes for it, all the way. I love how he has passions and goals and how he works hard to realize them. Life really hit him hard, but I love the way he didn’t let it get him to his knees and I love the way he’s fighting, every day, to get back on his feet again.”

Joey tries to talk, but he’s silenced by Chris’ shivering voice.

“I love the way he’s with Sammy, respecting him, giving him a place in his life. I love the way he’s with me, making me want to be a better person, every fucking day.”

Chris feels tears gliding down his cheeks and he’s beyond embarrassed, but he just can’t stop it. It’s all out there now.

Joey takes his hand. Carefully.

“What the fuck, Chris? What happened?”

Chris blinks a few times, trying to get his vision clear.

“He didn’t tell you?”

Joey sits a little straighter. “He’s been a nervous wreck for days now. I assumed it had  
something to do with you. He won’t talk about it.”

Chris takes a deep breath. Joey grabs his other hand.

“Chris, I literally had to scoop him from the ground and put him to bed the first day. I’ve never seen him like this since…” His eyes go wide as realization dawns.

Chris closes his eyes for a second. “He saw Alex.”

“Fuck.”

“That night at the club.”

“Fuck! That asshole.” Joey seems to barely keep himself from running out of the diner and punch the shit out of something. Or someone.

“I need to talk to him, Joey.” Chris tries to wipe his face without drawing too much attention. “I need to get through to him. He’s probably in a dark place now.”

Joey curses again. “Fuck, I didn’t know. This is bad.” He swipes his hair back. “It’s bad again.”

Chris blows his nose. “Please.”

“I’ll try, Chris. I’ll really try.”

*

Chris’ heart is hammering in his chest. He knew Joey wouldn’t let him down. Darren is standing in front of him, looking exhausted.

“Dare.”

He tries to take his hand, but Darren flinches. Again.

“Chris…I need some time.” His voice is hoarse as if he didn’t use it for days. He probably hasn’t.

“Darren, please.” Chris talks quietly, as if even speaking up would scare Darren off right now. 

“You asked me not to run away again. You did that. You asked me to stay and I’m here for you, Dare. I’m here for you all the way, but it seems running away is all you can do right now. Please, don’t. Don’t run away from me.” Chris’ throat is sore and he doesn’t even realize he is crying again until he feels the wetness dripping down his shirt. He seems to do a lot of that lately. He bows his head in defeat and whispers. 

“I don’t know what to say, except that I want you to stay. I’m asking you to stay, Darren.”  
He looks up. “Please. Stay.”

Darren looks at him, but his gaze is empty.

“I have nothing left to give to you, Chris.” He slouches a little. “You deserve so much and I have nothing to give, nothing at all.” He bows his head and looks at the ground. “All I’ve got is hurt.”

*

Joey calls Sarah to take Chris home. He’s in no state to drive right now. He talks quietly to her at the door.

“He shouldn’t be alone right now.” He looks at Chris. “Take care of him?”

She nods. “I will.”

So Chris goes home, but when they arrive he’s been so lost in thought, he didn’t even remember how they got there. Sarah takes him inside and gets him to take a warm shower, before persuading him to get some sleep. Of course, he resists, but it doesn’t take long before exhaustion hits him hard.

Sarah picks Sam up from school and explains that daddy is a little sick. Chris sleeps all the way through dinner and doesn’t even wake when it’s Sam’s bedtime and the little boy kisses him a careful goodnight.

When he does wake, he feels numb. He feels like he’s feeling nothing at all. Then, all of a sudden, his throat is closing up and all he can do is gasp for air. Sarah tries to soothe him.

“Calm down, Chris, breathe.”

His chest is heaving as he grabs her hand.

“How am I supposed to breathe? I can’t. I just can’t. There’s no air.”

“Chris.” Sarah holds him close. “Why won’t you let him be? You’ve been through so much already. You’ve got Sammy to think about too and I don’t like seeing you get hurt like this again.”

He calms down as he says it. “I can’t. I love him.”

She squeezes his hand. She knows.

Chris leans into her.

“I’m so goddamn scared.”

She tries one more time. “Then why not walk away?”

Chris sighs and surrenders. “I want it more than I fear it.”

*


	10. Chapter 10

_Three months later._

“All packed up and ready to go?”

Sam nods. “Yes, daddy.”

“Captain America?”

Sam points at his backpack. “In here.”

“Mr. Puddles?”

The little boy waves the bunny in front of Chris’ face.

“Alright then, buddy. Come here.” He grabs his son, holds on to him and squeezes tight. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too, daddy.”

Chris tugs Sam’s shirt in a little and kneels down to fix his shoe lace. “Be a good boy, okay? No sweets right before bed and listen to grandma and grandpa.”

Sam lays his hand on top of Chris’ head. “Can I call you when we get there?”

Chris smiles. “Of course you can, Sammy. Every night if you want to. It’s only for a few days. You’ll have fun, you know.”

The little boy nods. “I know. I’ll miss you anyway.”

Chris smiles. “I’ll miss you too.”

“Daddy?”

“Hmm?”

“When I’m back, can we go see Darren? I miss him too.”

Chris swallows. “Uhm. I don’t think he wants to see us right now, Sammy.”

Sam bites his lip. “Why not? Was it something I did?”

“No, sweetie. Not at all.”

Chris sits down on the bottom step of the stairs and takes Sammy into his lap.

“We’ve talked about this, remember? Some bad things happened to Darren in the past and he’s having a hard time right now. He’s trying to feel better. He just needs some time to get back on his feet. He needs to be alone for a while.”

Sam plays with Mr. Puddles’ ear. “I don’t understand. That’s not what he said.”

Chris looks at his son intently. “What he said?”

Sam nods fervently. “Darren’s my friend. He’s your friend too, right daddy? He said real friends can make you feel better when you’re sad. Even if you want to hide.”

“He said that?”

“Uhuh. When I was sad because I was afraid at my new school and I hid in the closet and you were looking for me and I was afraid to come out and crying and …”

Sam keeps rambling and Chris zones out for a while. His chest hurts. He wants to see Darren so badly it feels like he can’t breathe sometimes. He almost crashed those first few days since the incident at the club. He just couldn’t think straight. Joey let him know Darren was safe the next day, but Darren never contacted him. No explanation, just nothing.  
Thank god for Joey who made sure he could talk to Darren, although just briefly. Darren didn’t want to see him again, but Joey called him one night to tell him Darren was seeing a therapist. He was trying to get better. He didn’t want to ban Chris out of his life. He just needed to get back on his feet again and he needed to be on his own for a while to be able to do that. He couldn’t be in a relationship while he was still messed up about this. 

Although it hurts, Chris does understand. They’re not good at staying in the friend zone when it comes to each other, they never were. If not seeing him would help Darren heal, he’d do it, even if it meant tossing and turning at night because he couldn’t forget the look of terror on Darren’s face that night. He feels exhausted and sometimes he misses Darren so much his heart literally aches. He can’t do anything though, besides wait. So he waits.

“Daddy?”

Chris startles when Sam touches his arm. “I’m sorry, buddy, I got distracted for a bit.”

Sam rubs his arm. “Daddy? Are you sad?”

Chris takes a deep breath. Then he nods. “I am.”

“Because of Darren?”

He nods again. “Because of Darren.” He hesitates. “That’s why you get to stay at grandma’s and grandpa’s for a few days, Sammy. Daddy’s tired. I need some time to get back on my feet again too.”

Sam wrap his arms around Chris’ neck and squeezes tight.

“I love you, daddy.”

Chris clears his throat. “Love you too,sweetie, so very much.”

*

Snow is falling in the streets of New York, little soft flakes that swirl slowly to the ground. Darren warms his hands on his cup of tea and watches people go by on the busy sidewalk below him. His early morning walk has cleared his mind, but after an hour of strolling the icy streets he was frozen to his bones. He’s glad he doesn’t have to go outside anymore today, finally having a day off. His days have been busy lately, packed with meetings, gigs, studio work,... he has to be careful: eat healthy, get enough sleep, it’s important to keep his strength up. He has been doing so good, he wouldn’t want to slide into that dark hole again.  
He thinks about the day that stretches ahead of him and he’s glad to have some time off, to finally get some quiet time. Joey’s coming over later and although he’s great company and they definitely need to catch up, there’s still one person he’d rather spend his day with. He thinks about Chris and his chest feels so full, full of emotions that feel like a whirlwind, not so different from the one that howls outside. He really wants to see Chris again, he longs for him, but the time isn’t there yet. He’s not ready.

When he closes his eyes he can almost feel Chris’ touch again and it pains him as much as it soothes him. When they do meet again, he wants to do it right. No more crazy stuff. This time he’ll get it right.

When Joey arrives, he hugs him tight. 

“Hey, man how are you doing?”

Darren smiles and he’s glad he doesn’t have to fake it.

“I’m good, Joe, I’m really good.”

“You look good too, Dare, really, you do.” He plops down the couch. “So, what’s up?”

After catching up for about an hour or so, they decide to watch a movie and while Darren is fumbling with the remote control, Joey finally adresses the giant elephant in the room.

“So… did you talk to Chris yet?” 

Darren takes a deep breath. 

“I haven’t.” They’re quiet for a while. “I miss him, though.” He closes his eyes for just a moment. “I do, I really, really do.”

“Why don’t you call him, then?”

Darren shrugs. “Maybe he doesn’t even want to see me anymore. Maybe he’s moved on.”

“Dare, come on, man, you know he hasn’t. The guy is crazy for you. He has been for years now, I honestly don’t know how he keeps it up.” Joey grins. “Must be crazy in the head too.”

“Must be.” When Darren smiles, it’s an earnest smile and he knows it won’t be much longer now. He feels better and soon will be the day that he feels strong enough to meet Chris and not be overwhelmed by the crashing feeling that he’s not enough. Chris deserves a guy that’s there for him, to support him and love him through all the crazy shit, because his life is still crazy, too. Darren would do anything, anything at all to be that guy.

*

“You’ll be there then?” Sarah smacks Chris’ arm. “Chris! Stop writing for two seconds and talk to me, I’m starting to feel like furniture here!”

Chris pushes his glasses up his nose. “Alright, okay, I’m sorry!”

Sarah chuckles when he turns to her.

“What?”

“Your hair!” She giggles again. “It’s uh… arty?”

Chris huffs. “Whatever, stop laughing!”

“So, you’re coming?” 

She doesn’t relent and Chris can’t keep postponing his answer any longer. He hesitates and Sarah understands.

“I don’t know if Darren’s going to be there, Chris. He’s invited, I mean… he’s my friend too. I’m not sure he’s coming, though. He hasn’t been to many social events lately.”

She grabs his hand. “I’d really like it if my best friend would come to my engagement party, though.”

“Oh! There are the puppy eyes again!” Chris rolls his eyes.

“Pretty please? Pretty please, sweetie, honey bee? I’ll need my cutie pie next to me.”

“Oh my god, yes! Yes, I’ll be there, anything to keep you from calling me these sugary sweet nicknames.”

“Yes!”

“Besides, isn’t Adam your sweetiepie, sugar honey stuff whatever?” He pretends to be grumpy, but he’s really glad his friend finally found the happiness she deserves. It does make him a little melancholy though. Thinking about Darren doesn’t make him feel like his heart wants to crawl out of his chest anymore, but the ache is still there. He still wants him. He misses him.

 

*

Chris is pacing. He has been for the last half an hour or so. Sarah and Adam’s engagement party is probably in full swing by now. He hears the music seeping in his apartment from accross the hall. He’s got this weird feeling in his stomach. He should leave. He really should. He takes one more look in the mirror down the hall and takes a deep breath. He can do this. He totally can. He gives himself two more minutes to freak out, sends a quick text to his mom to make sure Sam is okay and then grabs his present and opens the front door. It’s time.

*

Darren’s eyes wander around the room. Chris isn’t there. He doesn’t know if he should be dissapointed or relieved. He’s probably a bit of both. He accepts a glass of champagne from the waiter that’s roaming the room and when he recognizes an old friend from college he goes over and they hug and laugh and catch up. He’s relaxed and at ease. So far so good. 

 

*

Chris gives Sarah a hug and smiles at the way she’s clearly excited to see him. 

“I’m so glad you came, sweetie!” 

She whispers in his ear. “Darren’s here. Just so you know.”

He nods and tries to hide his trembling fingers. She squeezes his hand. 

“You’ll be fine, Chris.”

He nods again. “I know. I’ll uh… I’ll see you later?” He bites his lips while his eyes scan the room. Damn, his heart hammers in his chest. Better to get this over with before his legs start shaking too. Then he sees Darren. He’s there. He really is. Chris tries to slow his breathing. He looks good. He looks so good and healthy and at ease. It warms his heart to see him like that. He’s talking to someone but then his eyes seem to get restless and he starts glimpsing around. Suddenly he turns his head and looks straight at him. 

Chris just stands there, in the middle of the room, holding his glass of champagne. He’s frozen. There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to be. He smiles. It’s a tiny smile, barely there, but Darren reacts immediately. He says something to his friend, without even glancing in her direction. He keeps looking at Chris. Then he comes over and finally he’s standing right in front of him. He’s right there. He smiles too.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Darren takes Chris’ hand. His fingers are warm. He only trembles a little. Chris looks down at their entangled hands and he clears his throat. He can’t say anything. He wouldn’t be able to keep it together if he did. Not right now. There are too much emotions swirling around in his gut right now. He looks up at Darren and their eyes lock. Darren understands. He always did. 

“Let me take you out of here.” 

Chris can only agree. “Please.” His voice is hoarse. He prepared a whole speech for the moment he would see Darren again, but all is lost now. There’s nothing more to say.

They make their way to the door and when he glances at Sarah she gives him an encouraging smile. 

They go to Chris’ apartment without discussing it. He takes out his key and fumbles with the lock, Darren still holding his hand, warm and steady next to him. They go inside and Chris turns to look at his friend. He doesn’t know what to do. What are they supposed to do? Darren makes that decision for him, though. 

“Chris.” he lifts his hand and while his fingers touch Chris’ face he whispers softly. “Let me hold you? Please? If you still want me to? I need to feel you. I’m so sorry. I needed time to heal, to get better. I wanted to be better, for me, for you. I needed to do this, because I want us to be together. I want us to last, because this is it, you, me. This is it Chris, I don’t want anybody else. There’s nothing else. It’s just me and it’s you. If you still want me.”

Darren’s eyes are soft and gentle and Chris can’t do anything but close his eyes and try to keep breathing. This is too much. He always tries to contain his emotions, but now he’s almost bursting. His hands slide up Darren’s sides and he’s biting his lips again.

“Don’t do that baby, please.” 

Chris feels the lightest touch along his lips and he slowly opens his eyes. 

“I still want you. Of course I still want you.” 

He clutches Darren’s shirt and cries softly. “I never stopped wanting you, Dare, not even when you were a thousand miles away. All these years. I never stopped wanting you, not while I was hiding, not while you were hiding, not even then.”

Darren wraps his arms around him and holds him tight. Tighter. It almost hurts. 

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you like that.”

“No, it’s… it’s just life, Dare. We loved each other. We hurt each other. That’s…” He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize.”

Darren leans in until their foreheads bump into each other.

“Let me hold you? Please?”

Chris hesitates. “You’re...you’re okay with that?”

Darren nods. “I am. I so am, Chris. I was afraid before. Not because of you, but… because of what happened to me.” He takes a deep breath. “It’s not that I didn’t want you then. I wanted you all the fucking time. Still do.”

Chris grips Darren’s shirt harder. He’s barely holding it together as it is.

“I just couldn’t… it’s like my body betrayed me, you know? This therapy thing… it helped me. I… I need touch, just as much as everybody else, Chris, maybe even more.” He smiles. “You know I was always like that. I need to touch.”

Chris smiles too. He remembers when they first met, Darren always invading his personal space. It used to drive him crazy. Until it didn’t.

Darren’s hands are shaking now. “So let me touch you. Please.”

The silence stretches on until Chris doesn’t even know how to decline. 

“Okay.”

 

*


	11. Chapter 11

It’s not how Chris thought it would be. Their first time together again and he’s scared out of his mind. He’s scared to touch Darren, to hurt him. He has no idea how to do this.

Darren takes his hand and moves closer. He nuzzles Chris’ neck. 

“Got any candles, babe?”

“Candles?”

“Hmm.” He chuckles. “You’re freaking out, Chris.” He presses a chaste kiss to his lips and whispers. “Let’s watch a movie first, cuddle on the couch. Want me to make you some tea?”

Chris lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. Can they be like this? Just like this? No pressure?

Darren squeezes his hand. “Calm down, sweetie. Hey, it’s just me.” He pushes him in the direction of the couch. “Sit, I’ll make us some tea.”

Darren rummages in the kitchen while Chris tries to find his footing. By the time Darren places two steaming cups of tea in front of him, Chris has calmed down enough to sit back and breathe again. 

They end up watching some crime show, Chris not really paying attention while Darren talks to him in a low, calming voice about everything and nothing. Chris sips his tea and watches Darren quietly. He seems different, a good different, he seems better, more like himself again. Chris doesn’t talk much, but Darren doesn’t push him, allowing him to regain his composure. When Darren stills, Chris just can’t stop looking at him. He’s beautiful.

“I love you.” 

Darren turns to look at him. There’s that careful smile again. “Still?”

Chris shrugs. “Always.” He puts the cup of tea on the coffee table and when his fingers brush Darren’s thigh when he sits back down, it’s no coincidence. They sit close together, knees touching and Chris knows. This is it. This is all he wants. He turns to Darren and talks quietly.

“I want to touch you so bad. I want to feel you, all of you. Wanna make you shiver.”

Darren just watches him, his eyes wide and vulnerable. 

“We don’t need to have sex to make this a valid relationship.” Chris frowns. “I just… I love you and I want to show it to you, physically. I want to be close to you. I want to make you feel good.” His voice is breathy when he continues to talk. “Let me make you come, Dare. I want to own your body, but in a good way. So let me feel you. Let me touch your skin. Let me blow your mind.”

Darren swallows hard. “Fuck.” There’s hunger in his eyes.

 

*

There’s a little click when the bedroom door shuts. Chris rests his head against it for a minute. He’s going to make love to his man. He’s going to do it right, this time.

Darren is right behind him. He wraps his arms around him. “You nervous?”

“Hmm.” Chris hums. He is. This is a moment. He wants to make it count.

“Don’t be, babe. It’s just me.” Darren’s voice is soothing. He presses his body close to Chris, back to chest.

“Remember, I want this, too. We’re in this together, Chris. You won’t hurt me. I want it too.”

Chris takes Darren’s hands that are wrapped around his waist right now. 

“I know.” He sighs. “It feels like a big thing.”

“It’s not, sweetie. It’s just you and me.”

Darren turns him around.

“It’s just you and me, babe.” He brushes his thumb across Chris’ face and leans closer. His lips are soft and careful when they kiss. “You won’t hurt me.” He keeps whispering while pressing closer, closer. “Make love to me Chris, make me feel whole again.”

Chris moans low in his throat. He can’t resist. He can’t. He grabs Darren’s ass with one hand, while the other wanders along his back, up into his neck. When his hips buck forward, he grabs a fist full of Darren’s curls and kisses him hard. “Darren.” He whines, can’t hold it back. “I want you so fucking bad. Please, baby, please.” 

“You have me, you do.” Darren keeps kissing him. “You do, you do.”

Chris lowers his head and nuzzles Darren’s neck. He whispers. “I don’t know how to do this. I can’t hold back.” He looks at Darren pleadingly, storm in his eyes.

“That’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t need to, Chris. I know you love me, I need you to show me. Please. Show me.” Darren steps back and unbuttons his shirt. Slowly. 

“No.” Chris bats his hand away. “Let me.” His voice is rough. 

They don’t talk while Chris takes Darren’s clothes off. Right after he opens the last button of his shirt, his hand slides up Darren’s chest. He feels the heated skin and the goosebumps that follow in his trail. Then he brushes over Darren’s shoulders and the shirt falls to the ground. When Chris finally looks into Darren’s eyes, there’s a hint of a smile. He’s got this.

He takes a deep breath and lays his hand flat on Darren’s stomach. The room is so quiet his ears are buzzing with it. Darren just watches him. He watches Chris close his eyes, lay his head on his shoulder, place a gentle kiss right there.

Then Chris lets his hand slide down. He feels Darren’s muscles react. He only tenses for a moment, though. It only takes a minute to open the buttons of his jeans. Then Darren’s breath hitches...and Chris waits. He waits until he feels Darren relax again. That’s when he walks him backwards towards the bed. 

“Lay down for me.”

Darren complies. Chris crawls on top of him.

“Okay?”

A little nod.

Chris lowers his hips, grinds down and then his breathing is ragged and there’s a grumble in the back of his throat.

“Can’t hold back, Dare, I can’t. Please say you want this, ‘cause if you don’t, I’ve got to stop now, babe.” His breath hitches. “I need you, I can’t… I need you.”

“I want this, Chris, I do. I do, I do. I want this, please.” Darren yanks Chris’ head down and crashes their mouths together. There’s a sweep of tongue and then they’re kissing for real.

Darren is out of breath in an instant. “God, oh god. Fuck.” 

Chris grinds down again, while Darren tugs at his shirt. “Oh, Chris, take this off, now. Hurry.”

In the next moment their limbs are an entangled mess. They try to get Chris out of his clothes while keeping as much contact as they can. His shirt and pants land somewhere on the floor, but Chris doesn’t care at all, there’s only one thing on his mind.

“God, I want you so bad.” His heart is beating furiously. They cling to each other in desperate need.

Darren shakes his head. “This is not going to be romantic or any of that shit, I just need you to fuck me, Chris. Romance can wait.”

Chris pins Darrens hands to the mattress and Darren feels his weight, heavy, grounding him. Chris looks at him, trying to catch his breath. His eyes are a stormy blue.

“Stop. Talking.” When he kisses him again, it’s rough and needy. It’s urgent. “Like this? You want to turn around?”

Darren shakes his head. “Like this. Want to see you.”

Chris grabs a bottle of lube, but when he opens the cap he slows down. He swallows. “I… should I…”

Darren traces his jawline with his fingers. “Stop thinking, Chris. Need you now. I need you inside of me.”

Chris moans. “Fuck, Dare. Stop talking like that. I’m not gonna last.”

He hesitates again when he reaches inside the drawer of his bedside table, but Darren stops him. “No. Don’t. I trust you. I want to be with you, no barriers.”

Chris hovers over him for a second.

“It’s a stupid thing to do.”

“Don’t care, Chris. Wanna feel you, come on.” Darren pulls Chris down and nips at his neck, soothing the sting of the bite with his tongue right after. It makes Chris groan again.

“Okay, okay. Just a second.” He leans down to press a kiss on the inside of Darren’s thigh and moves a little closer. His fingers are shaky, but careful when he pushes them inside. 

“Come on, Chris, get on with it. Can’t wait.” Darren whines. “Want you now, come on.”

“Shhh.” Chris brushes Darren’s sweaty curls off his forehead. “Deep breath.”

When he pushes inside, emotions shoot up from his gut all the way to his throat. He has to bite his lips to keep from crying again.

Darren digs his blunt nails into his back and presses hard, legs wrapped around him, heels pushing into his skin, backing up his rythm.

“Oh.” His breath stutters. “Chris. Fuck.” His voice withers and while his eyes roll back, his mind goes blank.

*

“You okay, babe?” 

“Hmmm.”

“Dare?”

“Yeah, wonderful.” He sighs.

Chris smiles at him sweetly. “I really did fuck your brains out, didn’t I?”

Darren slaps him, but there’s no force behind it. He rolls on his side and kisses Chris. “You did, you really did.”

Chris moves to his side too, so they can face each other. He slides his fingers along Darren’s stubble. His voice is silent in the dark room. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

Darren smiles and shakes his head. “You didn’t, Chris, not at all.” He pulls the comforter a little higher and kisses Chris’ nose. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

Darren bumps their foreheads against each other. “For loving me. For waiting. For being as gentle and careful as you were.”

They kiss again. It’s so easy to get lost in this. They stay like that for while, sharing lazy kisses, until Darren starts fidgeting again.

“Chris.”

“Hmm.”

Darren presses his hips closer to Chris’ thigh. Chris feels his hardness and lets his head fall back, eyes closed. His breathing gets shallow again.

Darren entangles their hands and pins them down, right above Chris’ head. Chris’ chest is heaving. He frowns for a moment, but when he feels Darren’s warm breath hovering over his skin, his features relax and he lets his head loll to the side.

“That’s it, let go, sweetie.” Darren talks to him in a low voice. They used to do this all the time. Chris needs to give up control once in a while. It’s been a long time, though, he never trusted anyone again quite like that. He doesn’t open his eyes when Darren moves to lie on top of him. He feels secure now. Ten minutes later, his mind is all fuzzy and the only thing he’s aware of is heated skin on skin. He feels like he’s floating.

*


	12. Chapter 12

_Epilogue_

“Would you take these into the living room, babe?” Chris hands Darren a plate of appetizers. 

Sarah enters the kitchen with an empty bottle and an exasperated look on her face. “Where’s the booze, Chris? I need more champagne! People are going to be here in like...ten minutes and I’ve only filled half the glasses.”

“There’s more in the fridge. Sammy!” Chris wipes his hands on his apron and starts checking his to-do list in his head again while taking another batch of freshly baked cookies out of the oven.

“Sammy!”

“I’m coming, daddy!” 

Darren is talking on his phone while he tries to steal one of the cookies. Chris bats his hand away. “No stealing, mister, and if you don’t be careful, you don’t get dessert at all!” He cocks one eyebrow, trying to be stern, but Darren just bursts out into laughter. He nips at Chris’ earlobe and whispers. “That would mean you’re missing out too...mister.” Chris just gawks at him, while Darren chuckles and then only steals a kiss, just to be sure.

“Oh, Joey’s running a bit late, by the way. He just called me. He’ll be here in thirty minutes, though.”

Sammy slides into the kitchen, his curly hair slicked back, wearing a mask and a batman cape. Chris draws a deep breath. “Sammy, seriously?”

The little boy beams at him. “It’s the new costume Sarah and Adam got me, daddy, you like it?”

Chris shakes his head. “We’re having an engagement party and you’re going to be dressed like that?”

He looks at his own suit, carefully sought out to match Darren’s and thinks about Sammy’s new clothes that looked great on him ten minutes ago, but are probably laying all wrinkled on the floor of his room right now.

Sam’s face falls, but then Chris feels Darren’s arms creeping around his waist.

“Chris, why don’t we let him wear the Batman costume? This day is not about clothes, is it? It’s about you and me and happiness.” Darren glances at Sam. “He’s happy.”

Chris sighs and Sam knows the battle is won. 

“Thank you, daddy!” He comes running and jumps into Darren’s arms. “Darren, want to be my Robin today?”

“Hmm, tempting offer, little monkey, but I think I’ll pass for today.” 

Sam wraps his arms around Darren’s neck. “Why?”

Darren watches Chris, running around the house, making sure everything is perfect this day. “Got to be somebody else’s Robin today, Sammy.”

Chris ushers Sam out of the kitchen and is about to do the same to Darren, when the doorbell rings. 

“Damn, they’re too early! I haven’t gotten to…”

“Chris.” Darren grabs his wrist and starts rubbing it with his thumb. Chris immediately stills. He sighs. 

“I’m freaking out again, aren’t I?”

Darren just smiles. 

“I’m sorry, Dare.”

“It’s fine, sweetie, you’re the world’s cutest control freak.”

Chris chuckles and he lets his head fall against Darren’s shoulder. “Oh, god, why do you even put up with me?”

Darren trails his fingers along the back of Chris’ neck, up into his hair and just like that, he takes his breath away. When Chris looks up again, Darren doesn’t laugh anymore. He moves closer and whispers.

“It took me long enough to get my head out of my ass and come looking for you.”

Chris’ fingers tangle in his hair. He tugs softly. “I’m glad you did.”

Darren closes his eyes for a moment and tries to catch his breath. His lips brush Chris’ mouth. “...and then I even left you again.”

“You came back to me.” Chris presses Darren against the counter.

“I did.” 

Chris grabs Darren’s ass and lifts him up. His breathing gets jagged.

“I’m so sorry.” Darren lets his head fall back while Chris softly bites at the tender skin of his neck. Darren tries to muffle the whine he can’t seem to hold back. They’re so not gonna make it to their own engagement reception if they keep this up.

Chris kisses the sensitive spot behind Darren’s ear and Darren moans again. Yep, definitely not going to make it. 

“Don’t be sorry, baby. ” Chris looks into Darren’s eyes and smiles. “You were worth the wait.”

***


End file.
